Tuesday, August 30, 2005

On Dating

On Dating

I’m happily married me. However, I am more than aware that there are readers to these pages that are still, sadly, single. You must, I fear, be doing something wrong. After all, even a bumbling idiot like myself must have got it right at least once, and there you are sitting, lonely, in front of your computer.

Get out.

Meet people.

Attempt to see their wobbly bits.

And it is this that I might be able to help you. Far too often, the unsuccessful punter, such as yourself, will spoil an otherwise promising date by saying the wrong thing at an inappropriate moment. So, I see it as my duty to list those phrases that are only going to get you into trouble as your leer down the front of her dress.

The following, unless your are John Leslie, are right out:

* “Tits or face?”
* “I’ve seen Natural Born Killers 137 times. No – 138.”
* “Lionel Ritchie? Yes? YES?”
* "Deep Space Nine or Voyager?"
* "I've got a rubber johnny, just in case."
* "Make your mind up, slut. Mother says I'm to be home before ten."
* "You don't sweat much for a fat girl"
* “Bond. James Bond.”
* "Just checking - do you get 'em out on a first date?"
* "I hope you don't mind, I always carry mother's urn with me. Isn't that right, mother?"

Now, my lovelies, get out there and procreate.

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