Tuesday, August 02, 2005

St Ebeneezer’s Day

St Ebeneezer’s Day

From Old Bastard’s Almanack:

St Ebeneezer’s Day (moveable): the day the first Christmas decorations appear on your local High Street. A moveable feast, this day falls earlier every year, and is expected to fall on December 25th by the year 2015.

Look out for Christmas trees, “Book your office party NOW!” signs and endless, endless Santas.

If St Ebeneezer’s Day falls before 1st September, you are entitled by law to take the evidence into the establishment in question and stick it up the manager’s arse. Houses which haven’t bothered to take their Christmas lights down from the previous year do not count. However, you are entitled to drop by singing carols every day for a week until they get the message.

This year, St Ebeneezer’s Day fell on 1st August, the day a “Why not book your Christmas party today?” sign appeared outside The Pheasant Hotel on the A30 between Salisbury and Andover. The Pheasant Hotel was razed to the ground several hours later in a bizarre Swingball accident.

A Merry Christmas to you all.

Best Person Ever, Again

At last, the vote-o you’ve all been waiting for – the final of the Scaryduck Best Person Ever poll sponsored by our very good friends at The Campaign To Give Phil Collins The Righteous Kicking He Deserves, Thus Fulfilling The Prophecy.

The winner, of course, goes head-to-head with Worst Person Ever P. Collins in a fight to the death of good against evil, and face it, no man who inflicts “Easy Lover” on the world deserves to live.

Getting the list down to a final shortlist of ten was no mean feat, asking myself in each case “Does this person have the capability to kick P. Collins into next week, or has he got exceptionally hard friends or a mental ex-wife capable of doing the job?” Hence, Mandela makes the cut thanks to Winnie’s deft touch with the rubber tyres, and Izzard gets the boot because he’s as soft as shit.

Vote hard! Vote often! Vote Hof!

No comments: