I have recently sat through all 132 minutes of James Bond remake "Never Say Never Again", and not for the first time.And - despite my unhealthy fixation on all things Bond - I've come to this conclusion: Bloody hell, it's awful.
- Every Bond cliché, turned up to eleven and recycled in the shoddiest manner possible
- Computer graphics which were cutting-edge in 1983 that now look ridiculous (if fact, the whole film seems unaware exactly what decade it wants to be in)
- Worst. Bond. Villain. Ever.
- Worst. Sexy. Female. Assassin. Ever.
- An embarrassing Rowan Atkinson cameo (his first ever movie role) which stinks up the screen like a packet of prawns sewn into an ex-boyfriend's sofa
- A horse jumping off a cliff
- The limpest boss battle in cinematic history
As you sit there watching, knowing that your life is slipping away like so much grains of sand through your fingers, you cannot help watching. Every. Last. Frame.
Ernst Stavro Blofeld? Ernst Stavros Flatley, more like.
Come on - there must be more so-awful-you-can't tear-yourself-away films out there. Tell.
13 comments:
Starship troopers - dreadful dreadful and trice dreadful and yet totally transfixing......... (or is that the nude scenes)
The worst film I have ever seen is "Gonks Go Beat". It makes "Never Say Never Again" look as if it was written and directed by Kubrick.
The Avengers -- the modern remake. Ralph Fiennes, Sean Connery and Uma Thurman in a train crash of a film.
When I saw Sean Connery wearing a giant bear suit I went to find a Bible to check if it was mentioned in Revelations as a sign of the apocalypse.
(Spawn is my other "top" dreadful film, but it doesn't get near The Avengers)
The Saint with Val Kilmer. Though that was so bad it was just bad.
Well, most remakes are totally dreadful.
Hulk, Lost in Space etc.
Waiting for the Scaryduck movie.
Don't, whatever you do, watch 'Quantum of Solace' then (and never believe a Blockbuster salesmen when he tells you a movie is really good).
The Happening - It's so bad that I recommend it to all my friends. It really funny how bad it is. Every little detail is bad. The acting, the directing, the editing. The best acting comes from an extra with one line.
Demon Seed.
Sorry boys, I don't care if Julie Christies in it. It's pants.
Oh, and Van Helsing - WTF!
What TRT said. Dont' know if I should see Dinner for Schmucks as some sort of neo-artistic ironic statement, or merely stay at home, keep the $13 in my purse and stab at my eyeballs with a fork for an hour and a half. The Dinner Game is not to be messed with.
Snakes on a plane. I wanted my money back on leaving the cinema. Samuel L Jackson should have read the script (or at least the title) before agreeing to it.
Don't know of any so-awful-you-can't tear-yourself-away films. Know lots of just, plain awful films. *sob!*
National Treasure.
National Treasure 2.
I have never seen such an unmittigated pile of pants in my life (and I've sat through Lazy Town).
DIE,NICHOLAS CAGE,DIE!!!!!
(preferebly slowly. It should take as long as those two awful films).
Tzonar.
Warlords of Atlantis.
Splendid cast, including Peter 'Onedin Line' Gilmore and Cyd 'My Agent is Clearly a Lunatic' Charisse, plus of course Doug McClure and the bloke who played Cliff the boring postman in Cheers. Oh, and a giant plastic octopus. Sorted.
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