In these days of rolling news channels and constantly-updated news websites, there is a never-ending race to be the first to report a news story."BREAKING NEWS!" they shriek, letting the viewer or reader know that they are on the very cutting edge of the day's agenda, and that they have not missed a thing.
Alas, the words "BREAKING NEWS!" are overused. While they were once the sole domain of politicians resigning or the indicator that some tragedy had befallen foreign shores, "BREAKING NEWS!" now covers anything from the appearance of the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse over Downing Street to a cat getting stuck up a tree in Hertfordshire.
Worse than that, I have seen the BREAKING NEWS! Caption hours, even days, after a story has actually broken, reducing it to a mere punctuation announcing that some news story - however old - is to follow.
So, I suggest a new vocabulary for news editors which will make the news exactly 135 per cent more funner.
Yes, feel free to keep using "BREAKING NEWS!", but only when the story has actually broken.
Then, once the initial breakingness has subsided, leaving nothing but shock and surprise, how about switching over to "HOLY CRAP!", or, if space permits "DIP ME IN DOGSHIT!" in much the same way that The Onion reported on the moon landings
Other BREAKING NEWS! replacements may include:
HOLY CARP! - All your breaking news from the world of fishI am certain there are more. Help a man out.
SPANG! - For stories in which somebody is hit in the face with a frying pan
GOOOOOOOOOOOOL! - Sports, the longer the "GOOOOL", the bigger the story
FOOKING FOOK! - Gorsdon Ramsay news alerts
CH-CH-CHING! or CASHBACK! - Financial news
THAR SHE BLOWS! - Reserved for made-up stories about Katie Price, Kerry Katona, or the cast of The Only Way is Essex
DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD - Thatcher
18 comments:
How could you miss:
BREAKING WIND
In which a world leader farts.
BUGGER ME WITH A RAG-MAN'S TRUMPET! - For the totally unexpected.
FUCK A DUCK! Oh sorry, wrong blog...
CHRIST ONNA BIKE.
For faith healing and sports news.
If this catches on I'll go to the foot of my stairs.
I was always amazed at how the Toronto news scrolling banner made light of the big news story of the day. For example, when a load of truckers gridlocked downtown with a convoy to protest at some extra duty or other, you know like diesel going up to 24¢ a gallon, the scroller read something like "Downtown Toronto in lorry gridlock. Road chaos strangles city. Protestors should just truck off!"
Anyway, my twopence, traffic and travel should be proceeded by PARP! Moro-Islamic Liberation Front news... well, I'll leave that one up to you.
And, AND... my new peteeve (that's a new word - google it) is when bloody BBC3 has that 60 second update thing and the continuity announcer says that the next program is something or other but first this. FFS Next is NEXT, not the one AFTER next. It's only bloody BBC3 that do it, no-one else does. And I've written to complain, but does anybody ever listen? No, of course not...
A few suggestions:
POPE AND GLORY - Religious news.
BOOM-SHAKE-SHAKE-SHAKE-THE-ROOM - Terrorist news.
FUCK YOU MURDOCH - Reserved for the BBC to report on the phone hacking scandal.
FAIL: multipurpose tagline for bungled bank jobs, exposed politicians, economic downturn, cats stuck up trees etc
EPIC FAIL: See above but more serious and/or funny
For sudden weather/hurricane alerts you could have BREAKING WIND!
I actually used to get in fights with many a news director over when to take down the "breaking news" graphics. I voted for about 15 minutes -- half an hour tops. They were the same people who asked our WEATHERMAN about the tsunami, so you can guess what they wanted. That's why I'm now in radio.
Absolute Radio finish the news with "You're up to date, its 3 minutes past __"
I'm up to date??
Have they seen what I am wearing ???
BREAKING BRITAIN. For stories about ASBOs, pre-teen mothers, and ilitracey, innit.
Don't move back to Canada, TRT. They ALL do that over here. It drives me batty.
What, say next instead of later?
BRING ON THE WALL - used for breaking news about the beckams (how about they name the next one 'cloud cookoo land')
SPIN MY NIPPLE NUTS - any new techno news.
WERE ALL DOOMED - when ever they report on the economy.
SUPERCALAFRAJALISTICYOURALLLYINGBASTARDS - when ever a politician gives an interview
MORE BOLLOCKS!
...whenever the Prime Minister / President has a news conference.
We could have break dancing news. Those BBC presenters are up for anything it seems.
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