On the use of half-starved leopards in the Crown Court system. Also: Politics

On the use of half-starved leopards in the Crown Court system. Also: Politics

Show a wild animal fear, and it could be the last thing you ever do.

A half-starved leopard, for example, will detect the merest whiff of sweat from its victim, and will hunt it down like an elderly wildebeest devouring the flesh in a shower of blood, gore and freshly-butchered meat.

That is why I am suggesting that half-starved leopards - of which there are many after the politically-correct do-gooder brigade shut down all the circuses - are used in courts of law, where fear and lying cower the dock like a small, frightened cowery thing.

For example:

"Well, Mr Chavverton, we put it to you that you consumed an excess of alcohol that evening, and picked on Mr Victim at random, beating him to an inch of your life for your own depraved gratification and the chance of a knee-trembler with an easily-impressed velour-clad tart round the back of the British Legion. What do you say to that?"

"Shut yer maarf, I never done nuffin"

WOOOMPH! Also: A shower of blood, gore and freshly-butchered meat

Silence in court, next case please.

If successful, the plan could also be tried out in the world of politics to ensure that the highest standards of probity and honesty are maintained.

"Would the Prime Minister confirm that he knew nothing about this scandal, and that he is entirely innocent of the accusations that cover the front pages of all this morning's newspapers, except the Daily Star?"

"Why, yes. I would like to make it absolutely clear that I have never met Ms Bosoms, and on no occasion did I give her an envelope filled with used twenties from the Downing Street cake and booze fun, and..."

WOOMPH! Also: A shower of blood, gore and freshly-butchered meat

Order! Order! And a by-election.

Half-starved leopards: I think you will find they are the way forward. Jeremy Kyle, take note.