Now that I am a single man, my flatmate and I have taken to watching the kind of quality television that all sane people interested in the socio-economic make-up should be watching, viz: The Jeremy Kyle Show.After many, many hours of watching this pinnacle of the televisual arts*, a never-ending cavalcade of unwanted pregnancies, drugged-up unemployables, and council estate chavs rutting away like monkeys in a zoo we have come to the following conclusion:
Everything on the programme is all the fault of council estate chavs rutting away like monkeys in a zoo. And if we can stop the council estate chavs rutting away like monkeys in a zoo then we have stopped Jeremy Kyle altogether.
And here is our plan.
Everybody likes a cup of tea, and by everybody, we also mean those council estate chavs rutting away like monkeys in a zoo, who need something to drink when they're not rutting, that isn't Special Brew. And by putting bromide into teabags, then they won't feel much like rutting and may instead burn all that excess energy finding a job, or mugging old ladies.
But we don't just go putting bromide in any old tea. Oh no - it just goes in the Tesco Value tea and equivalent "I Can't Believe It's Not Quite Tea" from other equivalent budget supermarkets, so rutting is kept to a minimum.
Then, we pay a discrete visit to the Twinings factory and spike their entire supply with Viagra, so the only rutting done in this country is by clever people, like you and me. And God knows I need it.
Sure, it's not a million miles from what Adolf Hitler was trying to do, but it is for the GREATER GOOD. Also, I might get laid off it, which can't be all terrible.
I am not mad.
* Actually, it's shit
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