Ten bands to look out for in 2012

A few bands you might wish to look out for in the coming year.

1. The Zombie Minogues. Neither Aussie, nor called Minogue, but a jangly four-piece from Leeds. The "Spicy Brains" on their gig rider is a joke that's going to wear very thin very soon, though

2. The Sa Turd Ays. Started off as a Saturdays tribute act, now a Genesis tribute act

3. Bigfoot and the Groincrushers. Eternal triers in the world of popular music. Will Bigfoot and the lads finally emerge from the shadows and hit the charts at last in 2012? Answer: No

4. The Spooners. They're grucking fate.

5. Spandau Balotelli. Half new romantic, half barking mad Italian footballer. Already letting off fireworks in hotel bathrooms the length of the country.

6. Jong Direction. Winners of the North Korean version of The X Factor, lead singer Kim Jong Un bravely carrying on as a solo act after the untimely deaths of Kim Jong Ron, Kim Jong Steve, Kim Jong Harry and Kim Jong Ringo in bizarre identical IKEA coffee table accidents

7. Voldemort'z Trouserz. Post-ironic art rockers, look out for their forthcoming album "Music whose name cannot be mentioned", 45 minutes of complete silence. Huge in the London glossy magazines

8. Retweet. Band whose lyrics are entirely comprised of postings lifted from social networking site Twitter. "RT this if you read it and thought of Justin Bieber" going large on commercial radio

9. Speednob. Previously Badly Drawn Penis until Badly Drawn Boy's legals got involved. Now in trouble with American hair-rockers REO Speednob's legals

10. Mein Strassenbahnhaltestelle is volle Hunden. Known to their fans as the "Canine Tramstops", this electronic four-piece from Munich is tearing up the bier kellars of Europe with their hard-edged sound. Lead singer Gary Hitler ("Yes, I AM related") heading for major stardom on the back of their debut album "Herp Derp a Herp-a-Derp", a telling commentary on the 2012 US presidential election campaign

I fully expect this list to be at least as successful as any put out my the mainstream music and culture press (For eg, not successful at all)