Cheddars, the Snack Food of Champions

Driven insane by illness recently, I took myself to the kitchen cupboard and opened my emergency packet of Cheddars, The Cracker Biscuit of Champions.

Alas, falling victim to some sort of heinous marketing campaign, my Cheddars weren't Original Cheddars, The Cracker Biscuit of Champions, but Onion flavoured Cheddars, The Cracker Biscuit of People Who Use Comic Sans, The Font of Champions. For eg: Full of BUM and TURDS.

Now, I love Cheddars, but only in CHEESE flavour as the GOOD LORD intended. Onion flavour Cheddars are an ABOMINATION unto all living things, and must be destroyed. Which I did, by eating them. But I did not enjoy them one iota.

But my outrage at accidentally buying Onion flavoured Cheddar biscuits, The Cracker Biscuit of People Who Use Comic Sans, The Font of Champions will not die. I might start some sort of online petition. Or have a cup of tea, possibly.

Cheddar biscuits should be in one flavour, and one flavour only: tasty, cheddar cheese only.

Also: Barbecue.

Also: Marmite

Also: Branston pickle

Already, I see we are losing sight of the real enemy: Onion flavoured Cheddar biscuits, The Cracker Biscuit of People Who Use Comic Sans, The Font of Champions. So, let us read from the scripture, and see why our quest is righteous and good:

John 6:26 "And as THE LORD fasted in the desert, Satan appeared unto Him in human form, and tempted Him with Onion Cheddars. And Jesus told him to bugger off, and was ministered to by the angels, which is not sexy slang."

I am not the kind of man who routinely screams out "BAN THIS SICK FILTH" from the roof-tops, but I am already checking the batteries on my megaphone. Also, I will strike down WITH RIGHTEOUS FURY any man who claims to like Onion Cheddars, and I have right and the WRATH of the LORD on my side.

We've also got a bit of a downer on Crinkly Cheddars. Cheddars should be FLAT, like the WORLD.

I am not mad