As you may already know, I'm a man of SCIENCE, and I see it as my duty to ensure that the BIG questions do not go unanswered.
And the question that vexes us this week is this one:
If a swan can break a man's arm with one flap of its wing, could an angry duck do the same to a small child?Of course, we're not just lashing in the wind here - there may be all kinds of hidden dangers surrounding an otherwise innocent trip to feed the ducks. All it takes is one moment's lack of attention, one toddler pushing his luck, and a duck that's got out of its nest on the wrong side of a morning and we're well down the road to tragedy.
All we need is a small child, borrowed from a well-pleased parent who is now twenty notes the richer, and an angry duck.
The problem here being that ducks are not generally pre-disposed to anger. Swans, yes. Geese are the very dictionary definition of fury. But it takes a lot to rile a duck, and for this, I must be prepared.
Start simple: "Hey Quackers - I saw your wife pulling off a coot."
Or: "Oi, Beak-face. Loving your Justin Bieber hair cut"
And if that doesn't work, a series of photographs depicting a paedo duck touching up an egg is certain to drive even the most mild-mannered of canards into a blur of flappy fury.
I can almost taste that Nobel Prize buffet lunch.