A short list of acts for which no jury in the land will ever convict

I'm a big fan of law and order, and respect the difficult position held by the police and the judiciary holding together an increasingly complex society in the face of meddling politicians andcitizens we can best describe as nobbers.

If you commit a crime you can rightfully expect to be punished for it, to the fullest extent allowed by the law. However, I can see an increasing number of grey areas, that being things that appear to be crimes at first glance, but are - in fact - acts that can only enhance society as a whole.

Sometimes the law should overlook a few harmless acts of murder, and let the perpetrator go free with a nod, a wink, and a pat on the back for a job well done.

That being the case, I present:

A short list of acts for which no jury in the land will ever convict

- Peeling the gitty student kids from the BT Infinity adverts and dunking them head first into a swimming pool filled with napalm

Err.... That's about it, really. No, hang on...

- Feeding people who mow their lawns at 8 o'clock on a Sunday morning into the rotating, flashing blades of their own machine

- Locking Samantha Brick and Liz Jones under the stairs until one eventually eats the other. And not in a sexy way

- Wheedle your way into a position of power in your local council (through bribery and selected assassinations if need be), and insist on mandatory bondage gear for any English Defence League marches through your town

- Wheedle your way into a position of power in your National Health Service Trust (through bribery and selected assassinations if need be), invite Health Secretary Andrew Lansley to visit and lock him in a cupboard under the stairs with all the ebola patients. Import some ebola patients from overseas if you do not think you have a critical mass

- Wheedle your way into a position of power in a large banking organisation (through bribery and selected assassinations if need be), lose billions of pounds through poorly-judged speculative deals, before getting bailed out by the taxpayer and awarding yourself and all your pals a huge bonus. Pay large quantities of this money to ensure no jury in the land will ever convict

Little bit of politics, there.