Eight months ago, in front of an audience of hundreds, I fell over and injured my ankle. Despite everything traditional medicine has thrown at it, I still wake up in the night in agony, and limp around everywhere like a creepy old man with a beard. My NHS doctor, as much as I respect him, says that the only cure for tendonitis is rest. TWO YEARS of rest. Now, living in a have-it-all-now society, I want it all now, so I lay down this challenge:
Calling all faith healers, reiki masters, witches, witch doctors, accupuncturists, astrologers, chiropractors, naturopaths, reflexologists, crystal healers, ear candlers, magnet therapists, gua sha practitioners, rolfists, urine therapists, hypnotists, therapeutic touchers, snake-oil salesmen, so-called charlatans and random healing types who use comic sans (the font of champions) on leaflets in newsagent windows...
As they say on Ghostbusters: I AM READY TO BELIEVE YOU
If you can cure my ankle, make me throw my stick away and high-kick down the street shouting "Praise the Lord, I'm cured!", then I shall pay you
And, in this cynical world where your beliefs and practices have been sneered upon by the so-called educated elites, I am pretty sure that respect is the one thing for which you are looking. Also, one million billion pounds, and Ben Goldacre comes round your house and does the washing-up for a year.
What are you waiting for? This is a genuine offer: CURE ME!
Homeopaths: Just drop a couple of your sugar pills in my coffee and we'll call it quits, right?
(In practical terms, there's a bunch of beardy God Botherers that hang around the side entrance of Festival Place in Basingstoke, just next to the famous Wote Street Willy, where they offer healing through the power of their invisible sky beardo. I'll be giving them first shot at disappointment)
11 comments:
Here in Africa, we have traditional Muti Doctors if you want a true "I'm-feeling-reckless" alternative to your GP. Wanna give them a try? They can do spells and everything.
You could just try asking God to fix it. He sorted Fabrice Muamba out after his heart attack (according to him, during his stay at the London Chest Clinic Hotel), so your crook ankle should be "nae bather", as they say in Mombasa.
You could try drinking lots of anti-oxidant drinks like cranberry and acacia, carrot & orange, lemon & lime, buckwheat grass & kiwi fruit, blueberry, and beetroot.
Even if it doesn't help you heal quicker, you can have fun pissing a rainbow.
Yeah, then you can call in the urine therapist.
Sorry, Alistair, I've had tendon problems as well so I shouldn't really be taking the piss....
I know the answer to this one. I had a similar tumble and resulting pained ankle for a year. I was cured with a pound shop swim band - you know - an armband! It's very technical so you have to listen carefully:
Place armband around ankle
Inflate - either do it yourself if you are a contortionist or call in a friend.
ZZZZZZ with nicely supported ankle
Wake up
Remove armband
Cured. All for 99p
Have you tried a bit of heat? I have a mini electric blanket that does wonders for my shaggers back*.
*Unfortunately injured on the job moving furniture and not on the job :(
Maybe you should visit a physiotherapist. Or paint flames on your cane and be *that* kind of creepy old man with a beard.
At least you have options.
Anon: I have spent £1.50 on a pair of 101 Dalmations armbands. I shall try them out.
Well....I do practice reiki. I am here for you if you need me.
NV: Are you any good? Does it work? Mind = Open
Dear Mr Duck
You will find that the problem with the beardy types in Basingstoke is that they are faith healers. Unfortunately their "cure" requires you to bring some faith with you (presumably in the deity of their choosing) which may limit their ability to cure a more rational minded individual like yourself.
I, however, am prepared to offer you a full course of treatment in my patented 100% genuine no-faith healing (patent pending).
All you are required to do is not believe in the effectiveness of any cure I provide to you. Any sign of continuing pain or limp will be evidence of the effectiveness of my cure.
Dr H Shipman (Ret'd)
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