Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Lonely Authority of the Office Fridge Monitor

On 10 March of this year, I reached a milestone in my life - the day marking the fact that I had spent exactly half of my time on this Earth working for the same Corporation. And, coincidentally, I was also handed my first bit of real power in the job, rising to the post of Fridge Monitor for Refrigerator Number One in the staff kitchen.

I vowed to my colleagues on that day I would not let the power go to my head.

After several weeks of consideration, I have since decided that I will let the power go to my head.

To this end, I have devised a series of penalties for the various Office Refrigerator crimes which plague facilities of this type. You will note that most of these penalties involve violent death, but this is only to be expected in a fluid jobs market where only the harshest of punishments will suffice.

CRIME: "Just borrowing a splash of milk"
PUNISHMENT: Locked in a room with an angry goose and no milk

CRIME: Stinking Fridge No.1 out with smelly foods not stored in an airtight cabinet
PUNISHMENT: Fired out of a cannon straight into a swimming pool filled with piranha curry

CRIME: Not clearing up fridge spillages with the official Fridge No.1 clearing-up spillages cloth, and writing a report in the Fridge No.1 spillages book
PUNISHMENT: Ground up for porridge oats, fed to a Scotsman and bowked up into a Scotch bush somewhere, the Scotsman then filling out a full spillage report

CRIME: Leaving food in Fridge No.1 past its sell-by date
PUNISHMENT: Buried alive in the grounds until past sell-by date, then used as a handy flesh-based mulch by the gardeners

CRIME: Storing food from other teams in Fridge No.1 because Fridge No.2 is full
PUNISHMENT: Global Thermonuclear Warfare

CRIME: Using Fridge No.1 as a meeting place for selling massive drugs
PUNISHMENT: 25 per cent cut of the proceeds
I think you will find that I am a merciful yet firm dictator, as evidenced by the passive-aggressive note I have taped to the door, declaring - in Comic Sans (The Font of Champions) and jaunty clip-art: "Please look after our fridge - TRANSGRESSORS WILL BE KILLED!!!!!"

Who knew there was "Man getting his head cut off with a chainsaw" clip-art?

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