Thursday, May 17, 2007

On inappropriate laughter and buzzword bingo

On inappropriate laughter and buzzword bingo

As a member of Her Majesty's Press, I go to a lot of conferences. It's fair to say that for every interesting, engaging speaker you see, you get one you would happily shoot with a sniper rifle from the back of the hall just to shut him up.

Just don't, whatever you do, laugh at them. These things are not, by and large, laugh-a-minute days out.

Trust me on this - it is not the done thing to laugh at somebody else's presentation at the conference you are attending, no matter how many rubbish buzzword bingo calls his talk contains. You might have blagged your way in on a press pass, but some of the suits in the room have actually shelled out the £795 plus VAT to be there.

These are people who tend not to be amused by the entire press table dissolving into fits of giggles at the running up of flagpoles, the plucking of low-hanging fruit and sundry other buzzword bollocks.

Good Lord, how I take these things seriously. Most of the time.

Open laughter, then, at a call to fellow business colleagues to (and I quote) "Let's grow this pie together!", as physically impossible it may be, probably should have been avoided.

Paying delegates: "Sorry".

And on to the real business of the day

...which is, of course, the completely 100 per cent democratic and not-fixed-at-all selection of tomorrow's Friday Tale of Mirth and Woe. Three to choose from, and one bonus thingie which is not, in fact particularly woeful. Vote-o quote-os all from the 'Daily Mirror Book of Facts - Did You Know...?'

* Doctors and Nurses: 1 in 3 Jehovah’s Witnesses haven’t heard the ’I never saw the accident’ gag yet

* The Dog Smiles: The top programme on Iranian TV is the quiz show Who wants to be an Ayatollah?

* Guildford: If the entire population of China went ten pin bowling at once, you wouldn’t get a lane until April 14th 3216

* More condensed film summaries, because they are excellent (Plz to select from Jaws, Star Wars, Casino Royale or 300)

Vote-me-up! Or don't. I'm making this all up as I go along, you realise.

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