Monday, September 22, 2003

“Can’t Stop the Music”

Blummin’ hell’s teeth. I didn’t realise that so many of you shared my curse of crap music. But then, I’m probably not the only one force-fed a diet of face-less commercial radio, risk-free music television, and a music insdustry too shit scared to take any risks. This one produced so many comments, I printed them all out - all forty pages of them and separated the nominations into mainstream pap, wedding disco music, one-hit wonders and a miscellaneous so-bad-it’s-good pile. And I still can’t get the Birdie Song out of my head, and now that I’ve mentioned it, neither can you.

So, what I’m going to do is hold a main poll for the worst act ever, plus a mini-poll for the wedding disco acts. No use getting the here-today-not-quiite-gone-tomorrow shit mixed up with those whose careers have been a never-ending cavalcade of shitness. Even the great Joe Dolce had the sense to take his pile and run after keeping “Vienna” from the top spot, and thankfully he’s remained under a rock in Australia ever since, probably living off the royalties if he’s got any sense.

So, here we go with the Big Boys (and girls). If you can’t see the act you nominated (or Oasis), there’s a fair-to-middling chance they’ll appear later in the week. The nominations for the Joe Dolce Shaddap You Face Memorial Music Award are:

Cher: Teetering on the edge of the Wedding Disco category, words cannot describe the sheer awfulness of her musical career. From “I’ve got you Babe” to that vocodered arse, the world would be a better place if she had taken up skiing rather than the late, lamented Sonny Bono.
Madonna: Over a twenty year career, I’ll grant her two decent tunes. Get your clothes on love, and get out.
Andrew Lloyd Webber: They gave him a seat in the House of Lords to make him go away. He didn’t.
David Hasselhof: Just read the reviews of his work on amazon. All totally genuine - I should know, I wrote one!

Mariah Carey: Why, in God’s name, why? I’m hoping for the day her breasts decide to go solo.
Sir Cliff Richard: A favourite on Popbitch, there are stories about him that could have you doing stir at Her Majesty’s Pleasure if you ever repeat them
Celine Dion: Looks like a horse. Sounds like a banshee.
Michael Bolton: The day I found “Timeless: The Classics” in my brother’s CD collection was the day I started telling everybody I was adopted

Phil Collins: Dressed in a roll-necked sweater would look like the penis that he really is. Inflicted my worst ever gig on me as part of Genesis for which he is still under sentence of death.
Shania Twain: “Man, I feel like a woman”. And that would be the only time I’d pay to see her perform.
WestlifeBoyzoneTakeThatBlue: Let’s face it, they’re the same band. You never see them in the same place at the same time. FACT!
Barry Manilow: Deserves death by Bulunga just for “Bermuda Triangle”

Craig David: Just for being continually photographed wearing a Benny Hat
Dido: Music for smug bastards who think they like music
Simply Red: Mick. Hucknall. Must. Die.
Robbie Williams: The utter, utter, utter TWUNT!

This lot to be whittled down to a final two next week, and this will be followed by a fight to the death. No, really. Gladitorial combat will be the only way to sort this thing out. Shouldn’t be too difficult to arrange if I can get ITV interested. Reality TV, that’s where it’s at these days. You know the form by now: vote hard, vote often! But most of all: Vote-o!

* Poll now closed *

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