Call me bitter and twisted if you like, but I’m not at all pissed off that when Netguide asked the World’s Best Bloggers for their tips on writing, they never asked me. Now I’ve finished stamping round the room and have quite got over sticking pins into an effigy of Fraser, here’s my advice to the would-be blogger. Follow these simple guidelines, and you too, like me will be a world famous squillionaire webmaster, beating nubile young ladies away with a shitty stick.
* The correct pronunciation of the word “blog” is “blodge”, a shortened form of the term “web lodge”, quite literally a home page where you will spend your entire, sad little existance! Use this knowledge wisely - you are a “blodger” and proud.
* Treat your blodge as your home. Put down a big comedy mat at the front door with “Oh No! Not You Again!” on it, and set a large dog on anyone who dares cross the threshold.
* Always, always wRiTe lIkE tHiS, and dont WoRRy aBoUT tha SpELnG or pUnCtUaTioN for ThAt mAttEr - yr punters will love you 4 yr grip of l33t speak
* Update your blodge no more than once a week, if at all. Readers hate having to take in too much information, so keep it to the point. The perfect blog will have just the one entry saying “tEsT”
* Stuck for content? Why not have one of those Which [insert TV series] character/colour/mythical beast/convicted felon/sex aid are you? quizzes. The more the merrier. We love ‘em. Honest.
* Your boss, workmates, family and friends will be thrilled if you write about them, the more outrageous the better. Everybody wants to be a star, and the tale of your company’s managing director touching up a donkey is a guaranteed path to promotion. Remember - all publicity is good publicity!
* Kittens, and lots of them.
* For small-to-medium laughs, why not go to blogger.com and click randomly on the “10 most recently published blogs” links, refreshing the page every now and then for another slice of red hot blodge action, which isn't crap in any way at all.
Follow these simple steps, and you too will be an internet star. Sad, lonely and friendless, but just watch that hit counter rocket!
* Don't forget to take part in The Joe Dolce Shaddap You Face Memorial Music Award!