Saturday, September 27, 2003

“Death Disco”

The first of our minipolls this week in the Joe Dolce Music Awards. This one’s for one-hit wonders, novelty acts and performers that fall into the so-bad-they’re good category. In short - wedding disco music, and what a sorry lot they are.

* Keith Harris and Orville: One man and his fluffy duck. What’s wrong with that, then?
* Europe: The Fiiiiii-nal Countdooooooown! No. Fuck off.
* Fast Food Rockers: Just when you thought they couldn’t get any worse, some bloke dressed up as a dog comes on. And it gets worse. Sold by the shedload this summer.

*E Male: Cloned boyband. They wore rollerskates. Not even managed the status of one hit wonders, but as the worst of a bad lot, they deserve a thorough kicking.
* St Winifrid’s School Choir: Our school would have had ‘em any day, the big bunch of girls.
* Terry “Seasons in the Sun” Jacks: “We had joy, we had fun, flicking bogies at the sun”

* Cheeky Girls: Go away and only come back when you’ve grown a) talent b) breasts
* Blazin’ Squad: The non-threatening gangsta rappers that your parents warned you about. A truly flawed concept - a bunch of spotty erks trying to look “hard” and “street”, but singing icky little ballads for eight-year-old girls. High comedy, to be sure.
* Linkin Park/Limp Bizkit/Wheatus: And all the other kiddie skateboard rock clones. And Avril Lavigne, who must die. Horribly.

* Alice Deejay: And by extension anything that’s “Ibiza”, “Ayia Napa” or just “bangin’”
* Rene and Renata: I went to school with some kid who bought the UK rights to “Save Your Love”, which now brings him a reasonable income thanks to the number of times it appears on “shit songs” collections. The jammy bastard.
* Black Lace: Never made a penny out of their most annoying songs after they were ripped off by their management. Good.

* William Shatner: It’s. LUCY! And. She’s. IN! The. Sky. With. DIAMONDS!
* Village People: Wedding Disco Gold.
* B-52s: Exist only to play at wedding discos. “Love Shack” is now banned under the Geneva Convention.

I’m not having a vote here, just speak your brains on this one in the Speak Your Brains section and a winner will be declared pretty sharpish. And don’t forget the main poll is still open. Vote-o!, and while you're in the voting mood, there's still work to be done in the Scary vs Green Fairy penalty shootout.

"Non-PC quiz of the Day"

How Pikey are you?

I don't normally link to these online quiz thingies, but I am disturbed to find that I'm bang to rights with thirty out of forty. However, I prefer to use the term "council" - just ask my kids Keanu and Kylie-Marie. In mitigation: we still get the Radio Times, but only because I get it for free.

“Let’s laugh at foreign people!”

No.1: Arcelik

“With an endorsement of $961 million, Arcelik is one of the top ten appliance producers in Europe.”

In the words of Finbarr Saunders: Kyak-kyak, fnarr fnarr, hoot! And while we're on the subject of Viz Comic, it is now worth buying again with another sublime episode of the Drunken Bakers, perhaps the finest comic strip about rat-arsed doughboys ever created.

"Tea News"

In a world full of war, death, doom, destruction and horror, Nicey reports on the issue that really matters: the evil of tea vending machines.


I just realised that it has been exactly one year since The Guardian Award thingie, and no sight of a 2003 competition to relieve me of my slightly tarnished crown. Still, it has been a rather marvellous year, and a big thank you to you all for the 170,000 or so hits I've had in that time (even though about 160,000 of then have been me refreshing the page).

Sod it, without The Guardian holding a best British Bloggage this year, anyone fancy running one instead? Your comments on this please, and yes, I'm serious about it. Edit: Wild says The Grauniard are still considering a 2003 competition. I'll get back to you.

Err... Happy birthday Dad. Don't sink the boat.

The Scaryduck Archive

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