Condensed Films: Raiders of the Lost Ark
Oh ho! The bloke with the whip and the funny hat's back, but enough of my private life. Back too, it seems, is Indiana Jones. And to celebrate, I have taken Spielberg's finest hour, and boiled it down to a single page in the easy-to-understand language of today's disaffected, knife-wielding youth, innit.
By way of a Brucey Bonus, I have also thrown in a super-condensed version of Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom, because I AM EXCELLENT.
Raiders of the Lost Ark
I.Jones: Hello. I am I. Jones, and I am excellent. Today, I am mostly stealing this priceless gold statue of Jade Goody's arse-like face.
Shifty Foreign: Ahhahahaha! That's what you think! Oh. I am teh DEAD.
I.Jones: WTF?! Balls!
R.Bolloq: Good moaning. Plose piss me the statue
I.Jones: FFS. Run away! Mwaaargh! What's this snake doing in my plane?
S.L.Jackson: Snakes? Inna plane? I appear to be in the wrong movie
I.Jones: I LOLed
TEH CIA: Plz to find TEH LOST ARK or we will all be KILLED TO DEATH by A. HITLER
I.Jones: KK. First I must find Teh Staff of RARRRR
TEH CIA: Staff of what, FFS?
M. Ravenwood: Hello. I am I.Jones's bird and I am excellent, live in Nepal and drink like a bastard. HIC! A staff of RARRRR: I has one
Herr Flick: You vill give me ze Staff of RARRRR, or I vill kill you TO DEATH with my Gestapo pistol, LHL*
M. Ravenwood: DIAF!** LOLOLOL
Herr Flick: Schiessefickenachduliebegott.
I.Jones: LOL, we are in Cairo
Bad guys: DETH to TEH INFIDEL, ROFL
I.Jones: Whippy whippy whippy
Bad guys: Ouch, stop it, that smarts
I. Jones: LOL
Bad guy with huge-ass sword: I see your LOL and raise you a big ROFFLE
I. Jones: Shooty shooty shooty. King of LULz
M. Ravenwood: I am a bit thick, so I shall hide in this laundry basket
Evil Traitor MONKEH: Here she is, hiding in a crappy laundry basket. Bananas, plz
M. Ravenwood: Oh spoons, now I am captured. I shall now resort to screaming loudly. FFSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Huge Truck: ASSPLODES
I.Jones: Whups. I have killed M. Ravenwood TO DETH. Now to drink heavily
R.Bolloq: Good moaning. I am here to taunt you a second time. I shall soon find TEH LOST ARK and your mother smelt of elderberries. LULZ
I. Jones: Hic! BLAAAAAAAAAARGHH!
Wizzened old mystic guy: TEH staff of RARRRR: I have deciphered it
I.Jones: What it say?
Wizzened old mystic guy: It say this: RARRRRRRRRRR
Wizzened old mystic guy: Also, some shit about TEH LOST ARK
I.Jones: Gd gd
Evil Traitor MONKEH: OM NOM NOM tasty dates DED
I.Jones: I has found TEH LOST ARK, LOL
Salah: Gd gd. I'll get me shovel.
I.Jones: I shall hide in this luxurious tent
M.Ravenwood: Hello! I am not TEH DED
M.Ravenwood: Pls to untie me before Herr Flick comes back
I.Jones: Soz. I will leave you here and rescue you later. Can I have a quick honk of yr bosoooms?
M.Ravenwood: DIAF! LOL
Salah: TEH WELL OV ARSOLES – we has found it. Teh floor – Why does it move so?
I.Jones: Snks. Why duz it hav 2 b snks?
Salah: U go first
I. Jones: Bstrd
Salah: TEH LOST ARK – we has one
R.Bolloq: Good moaning. I woll noo get absolootely possed and try to have sax with you
M. Ravenwood: Hic! Excuse me while I escape.
R. Bolloq: I am not drunk LOL and now I am going to threw you in that big hole I.Jones is dogging ROFFLE
M. Ravenwood: Oh spoons
R. Bolloq: Good moaning. Plose give me the lost ork
R. Bolloq: Now to koll you TO DETH! LOL
M. Ravenwood: ARSE
I.Jones: Even though TEH WELL OV ARSOLES has been buried by TEH WRATH OV GOD for thousands of years, they left the back door unlocked. LOL
M. Ravenwood: w00t! Teh LOST ARK – they are loading it onto that plane
I.Jones: Oh yeah?
Burly half-naked German: Ug! Punchypunchypunchy
Burly half-naked German: Ug! Punchypunchypunchy
Burly half-naked German: Ug! Punchypunchypunchy ONOZ! TEH PROPELLERZ!
Teh PROPELLERZ: Slicyslicyslicy
M. Ravenwood: w00t! Teh LOST ARK – they are loading it onto that truck
I.Jones: Oh, for the love of God. Look, the next fifteen minutes is a purely visual cavalcade of stunts and abject violence which your humble narrator will be hard pushed to convey in mere written words. Imagine, if you will, a huge-assed mobile punch up, with loads of bullet-headed krauts going "Gott in Himmel" and "Ach du liebe Gott aaaaaaaaargh!" before I emerge triumphant with TEH LOST ARK on a ship, about to have TEH SEXUSSSSS with M. Ravenwood. So mote it be
M. Ravenwood: Now to have TEH SEXUSSSSS with I.Jones
R. Bolloq: Good moaning. I am back again with all the predictablility of a 'Two Pints of Lager' repeat on BBC Three
M.Ravenwood: Oh, COCK
R. Bolloq: I has TEH LOST ARK. Now to open it for LULZ
I.Jones: ONOZ! Plz 2 close eyes
I.Jones: Plz 2 close eyes. U will b KILLED TO DETH
God: Feel my WRATH LOLOLOL!
Herr Flick: Garblegarblemeltygarble
Nazis: Ouch. We is TEH DEAD
R.Bolloq: Good moaning. Ouch. My head – it has assplode.
God: And you all thought I was a forgiving deity. ROFFLE
I.Jones: Can I go now?
God: Yes. Bugger off. And take the bird, even if I had to sit through the disgusting spectacle of you pair at it like rutting monkeys in a zoo last night. Can't say I approve, but it's bloody brilliant being omnipresent
God: God, I love being God. Best job in the world. LOL
I.Jones: Where is TEH LOST ARK?
TEH CIA: Not telling. And it is certainly not in TEH QVC mail order warehouse with a limited edition consignment of 200,000 other LOST ARKS, LOL
I. Jones: What?
TEH CIA: Nothing. Nothing. LOL
* German: Lachen heraus loud = Laugh out loud, LOLz
** l33t-speak glossary: DIAF = Die in a fire
Indiana Jones and TEH TEMPLE OF DOOM
Ugly, wrinkled tribal chief: Our village is curs-ed. Plz to recover our sacred stones, rescue our children and kill the Thuggees to DEATH
Two hours later...
I.Jones: I am back with your sacred stones and your children; and by way of a bonus, I have killed all the Thuggees TO DEATH
Ugly, wrinkled tribal chief: Nice one, cheers
I.Jones: I'll be off, then
Ugly, wrinkled tribal chief: KTHXBAI!