With summer finally upon us, you might want to spend the long, balmy evenings at a friendly drinking hostelry, with an affable Mein Host, and a rum cliente you might one day call your friends.
However, how can you tell if your pub of choice is the one for you? The company? The landlord? The quality of the ale? None of these.
There is a simple experiment that you may undertake in any pub or bar in the name of SCIENCE establish its Mank Rating. A Mank Rating that can then be transferred to our 100 per cent accurate Scaryduckworth-Lewis scale of ranking things for excellence.
Follow these steps, and you will find yourself that elusive perfect pub in no time, with relatively few injuries to your genital area.
- On your first visit to the toilet, put a 20p piece in the urinal.Congratulations - you have either found the pub's Mank Rating, or have been beaten up for hanging around the Gents with a clipboard.
- On the next visit, check to see if it is gone. If it is, replace it with a 10p.
- Repeat as necessary with progressively smaller value coins until you find the lowest denomination of piss-soaked small change the pub's clientele will fish out of the urinal.
- If they take the 1p, then you are in the wrong end of town with no money. Leave immediately.
You may now proceed immediately to the 'Mirror-on-the-end-of-your-shoe How Many Girls Frequent This Public House Without Underwear?' experiment. Best of luck.
UPDATE: Now with added map. Email me for an invite if you wish to add your own results.