It's Good News / Bad News Day at Scaryduck Towers as the World's Most Sarcastic Postman Who Is Not Getting a Christmas Tip Bar The One On The End Of My Shoe delivers two letters to my home, whilst pushing a couple of likely-looking Amazon parcels to the bottom of his sack.
"Are you putting on weight again? You fat bastard."
That is, I think, no way to speak to my charming wife, and freshly-stropped Wilkinsons await his next visit to our premises, and I'd not be out of order.
Dear Mr Duck
Ref: HMRC SELF-ASSESSMENT TAX RETURN
Thank you for your tax return for the year 2007/8.
We are writing to confirm that you have overpaid income tax for the financial year, and we will be arranging a payment of £98.86 to your bank account within five working days.
PS Consider yourself lucky this time. We've got our eye on you
Dear Mr Duck
Ref: CHURCHILL INSURANCE – STORM DAMAGE
We are writing to confirm that our contractors have satisfactorily carried out rebuilding and recovery work as the result of storm damage at your home on 30 January.
You will note that you have an excess on your policy to cover the first £100.00 of any claim. Please forward this sum to our offices within the next 14 days so that we may close this account.
Churchill the Dog
PS Oh yes!
Only one word to say to that: "ARSE"