One of the greatest mistakes I have made in recent years is my decision to read the late Roy Jenkins' biography of the even later Sir Winston Churchill.
"The greatest political biography of recent years!" declares the cover blurb. Sadly, Lord Jenkins was nothing if not thorough, and 250 pages of tiny, tiny print into this 1,000 page work and he's still describing an exchange of letters between The Greatest Ever Britain (though fans of poor, dead Ian Botham might disagree) and Prime Minister Asquith on the quality of paperclips supplied to the Admiralty. A labour of love, the author actually died whilst I was reading it. In 2003.
I thought, then, it is my duty to save you the six-year chore of reading this literary masterpiece is to condense The Life of Winston Spencer Churchill down to a few hundred words in the easy-to-follow language of today's easily-bored youth. Zombie Lord Jenkins: TAKE NOTE.
"Oh yes."
The Life of Wnstn Spncr Chrchll 1874-1965, 1994-present
1874Lord Randolph Churchill: Congratulations, Mrs Churchill. A boy – we haz one. LOL
Lady Churchill: We shall call him Wnstn. Wnstn Spncr Chrchll, for teh win
Lord Randolph Churchill: Now, I shall go out and kick some poor people. Huzzah!
Lady Churchill: Gd gd. And I shall have LOTS OF SEXUSSSS with other men
Lord Randolph Churchill: Pardon?
Lady Churchill: Nothing. Nothing.
1899
Wnstn Chrchll: Hello. I am Winston Spencer Churchill and I am excellent. Today, I shall be mostly taking part in the British colonial war in South Africa against TEH BORES. Oh. I am captured. FFS
TEH BORES: LOLOLOLOL! Enjoy your stay in our excellent prison camp. Also: LULZ
Wnstn Chrchll: Yoinks! I have escaped. ROFL
TEH BORES: Argh! Outspan and ARGH!*
1900
Wnstn Chrchll: LOL. Now I am a Tory MP on the back of my war adventures. FTW!
TEH TORIES: HUZZAH for the son of Lord Randolph Churchill!
1904
Wnstn Chrchll: LOL. Now I am a Liberal MP
TEH TORIES: I say! What a fckng cad!
Wnstn Chrchll: BTW, did I tell you that there's going to be a war in ten years time, FFS?
Ten years later...
Wnstn Chrchll: See? I have built you all loads of warships AND helped develop the tank so we might actually beat the Square-headed menace
Teh Grateful British People: Cor he was right. Now, piss off you smug posh bastard
Wnstn Chrchll: Bunch of wnkrs
1923
Wnstn Chrchll: LOL. Now I am a Liberal MP again
TEH LIBS: HUZZAH for the great British statesman!
1924
Wnstn Chrchll: LOL. Now I am a Tory MP again
TEH LIBS: You fckng wnkr. Make yr fckng mind up.
Wnstn Chrchll: Now I am TEH Chncllr ov teh X-Checker. Money money money money! The gold standard, eh?
TEH working proletariat: Hello. We are Teh working proletariat and we are excellent, if slightly workshy. Everybody out! A General Strk – we iz hvng one, because Wnstn Chrchll iz a twat with all his Gld Stndrd bllcks
Wnstn Chrchll: ARSE! I am now off to have my WILDERNESS YEARS. See you in 1939, you ungrateful bstrds
It was around this time that Churchill developed his cutting wit for which he is remembered. Take, for example, this famous exchange in the House of Commons
Bessie Braddock: But Winston, you're drunk!
Wnstn Chrchll: Fuck off
Bessie Braddock: Well, I never...
Wnstn Chrchll: And you've got witches tits, you slack-fannied harpy
TEH HOUSE OF COMMONS: Hear, hear!
Not to mention:
Lady Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I'd poison your coffee
Wnstn Chrchll: Fuck off
Lady Astor: Well, I never...
Wnstn Chrchll: And you've got witches tits, you slack-fannied harpy
TEH HOUSE OF COMMONS: Hear, hear!
1939/40Teh British People: ONOZ! That nice Mr Hitler turned out to be a bit of a cad! Who will save us now?
Wnstn Chrchll: Hello. I am Wnstn Chrchll, and I am excellent
Teh British People: Oh, tits
A. Hitler: Ach du liebe Gott! Damn you Wnstn Chrchll!
Churchill's wartime speech-making was the stuff of legend. His art of oratory and his turn of phrase rightly gave him the reputation of a world statesman. And if there were any doubt as to Churchill's commitment to the cause, they are well and truly allayed which these famous extracts:
Wnstn Chrchll: We shll fght them on TEH BEACHES. We shall fght them on TEH landing grnds. We shll fight them in TEH night clbs of Torrorrmolios... Terrormolons... Terrimololon... IBIZA. HAVE AT IT ADOLF YOU CNT!
Wnstn Chrchll: Nvr, in teh fld of hmn conflct HAZ so much been owed to so much by so few so often so...errr...IN YOUR FACE ADOLF LOLOLOLOL!
Wnstn Chrchll: This iz NOT TEH END. IT IZ not even the end of the beginning. It is in fact, the end of the beginning of the... hang on... The end of the start of lunchtime. Or something. OI! ADOLF! OUTSIDE!
1945
Wnstn Chrchll: W00T! The war – I haz won it! Now for some REAL power
Teh Grateful British People: Vote Labour... Must. Vote. Labour.
Wnstn Chrchll: Oh, tits, and some guff about an Iron Curtain. I'll be back in 1951, you ungrateful bstrds
1951, about lunchtime
Teh Grateful British Public: Who would have thought a Labour government would be so full of abject tossers? Who will save us now?
Wnstn Chrchll: Hello. I am Wnstn Chrchll, and I am excellent
Teh British People: Oh, tits
1965
Wnstn Chrchll: Oh. I am dead. That's a bollock
1994
Wnstn Chrchll: Oh, I am reincarnated as some sort of computer-generated dog. What did I do to deserve that?
God: Sorry, pal, it was either that or return as one of the Chuckle Brothers
Wnstn Chrchll: Oh yes!
* 50,000,000 Excellent Points to the person who gets the reference
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