On making golf better

On making golf better

Ah, golf! With the boy Scaryduck Junior's tutor thrashing his balls at the Open Championship up in Sunny Southport, I took it upon myself to polish my mashie niblick and take him out on the links for a few holes. No handicaps, no quarter spared, no man within 200 yards safe.

As I watched the lad wade into the lake with a net and a big bucket as part of my cunning plan to make us this-time-next-year-we'll-be-millionaires, I thought to myself that the sport could do with a bit of positive PR, what with all the hooliganism, drug abuse, painful death and plaid trousers it has to put up with.

What better, then, than encourage the world of CELEBRITY to take up golf. Even better if they actually had golfing names. Clearly Tiger WOODS heads the first wave of golfy celebs, but surely there must be some more?

List of People Whose Names Sound Like Golf

• Tiger Woods
  
• Jeremy Irons
  
• Minnie Driver
  
• Ed Balls
  
• Mr T
  
• Robson Green
  
• Alan Rough (legendary spack-handed Scottish goalkeeper)
  
• Archie Bunker, or, from The Sound of Music...
  
• The von Sand Trapp family

And, reduced to making it up as I go along:

• The famous TV decency campaigner - Mary Clubhouse
  
• King of the chat show hosts - Jonathan 'Albert' Ross
  
• Scouse comedian - Alexei Golf Sayle
  
• The boy wizard himself - Harry Putter

And, one I just made up, but actually exists:

• Walter Hazzard

Finally, Hollywood's greatest star, who more-or-less confirms my current feelings about this most noble and gentle of sports:

• Arnold Shit-fuck-bugger-stupid-bastard-game-the-boy's-beaten-me-again-fuck-fuck-fuck-enegger

Anyone want to buy some golf clubs? Only slightly bent...