On Men in Black
I've never seen a UFO.
I've never seen lights in the sky, Yetis, the Devil Incarnate, spontaneous human combustion, mythological creatures or Elvis driving a taxi round the back streets of Weymouth.
I once nearly saw a ghost, but I might have been making that up.
Good God, I've faked up UFO sightings, and even made genuine cash money for it, and good grief, I really, really wanted at some sad, deluded stage in my life for aliens and stuff to be real.
But they're not.
And I can tell you why,
A knock at the door.
Two men in black, black suits.
"What you saw that night was the planet Venus. The planet Venus."
"The planet Venus, with a helicopter flying in front of it."
"Yes. A helicopter, which lowered a noted surgeon on a winch so he could stick a probe up your bottom."
"A probe which was NOT alien technology, at all. He just likes bottoms."
"Don't push it, Agent Smith."
"Sorry, Agent Jones."
"Wait… hang on…" I say.
"Planet Venus," said Agent Smith, trying to keep up the pretence.
"Bottoms," says Jones.
"No… really. I think you want Mr Mulder. Three doors down."
"Shit. Sorry. This isn't number 92, then?"
"No. No it isn't."
"Bollocks. You didn't see us, right?"
So mote it be.
Edit: I've just invented a new gay inter-racial porn movie: Black in Men. Sorry.