Monday, July 07, 2008

On sticking one's nose into the heart of the Thames Valley where it's not wanted

On sticking one's nose into the heart of the Thames Valley where it's not wanted

Oh Lordy, our not-so-favourite North Korean dictator is back, and this time telling the good people of the town of Reading exactly where they're going wrong.

Dear The Reading Chronicle

"If you build it, they will come"

As a frequent traveller through your fine town, I find myself - as I sit at the numerous red traffic lights your local planners seem to enjoy springing on drivers for a bit of a laugh – wondering to myself how, exactly, Reading can be improved.

Speaking as the despotic yet generous leader of a proud military-first socialist people's revolution, it is obvious to me that the jewel of the Thames Valley is suffering from a bit of an image problem. All those big ideas for traffic congestion and pie-in-the-sky office blocks are nothing but window dressing which no amount of brightly painted bus lanes can hide.

What Reading needs, then, is a bold gesture or two that might enrich the lives of the working proletariat and instil a patriotic fervour that can only be quench with the total annihilation of the Basingstoke puppet government and their Newbury running-dog clique.

- First impressions count, and there's nothing to excite the traveller as they enter the town. I would suggest, therefore, a 300-foot floodlit statue of a Titanic-era Kate Winslet standing, naked as the say she was born, athwart the railway line as it crosses the Caversham Road. What visitor would not be inspired by the sight of Reading's most famous daughter as they pass between her fine, perfectly formed Made-In-Tilehurst legs on their way to work?

- As an equal opportunities dictator, the other end of town should be served by an equally impressive statue of poor, dead former resident Oscar Wilde being attacked by rabid stoats whilst clutching his original, banned script for EastEnders

- Change the name, change the thing. Reading's a bitch to find on the internet, so I suggest a change to 'Thames Valley Super Happy Lucky Town sponsored by the Glorious Juche Military-First Democratic Peoples Republic Of Korea Secret Slush Fund'. I'd warn you that several other towns in the South of England are already expressing an interest – so HURRY!

- The immediate and total annihilation of Dean Valley Super Happy Lucky Town, formerly known as Basingstoke

- The immediate and total annihilation of Kennet Valley Super Happy Lucky Town, formerly known as Newbury

With these simple steps, the universe will find itself in harmony, all traffic lights in the town will switch to green, the Hexagon theatre will miraculously grow a seventh side, and I may consider sparing Reading from the perpetual darkness of slavery and permanent military-first socialist revolution.

Thank you for your attention.

Your pal,

Kim Jong Il, Secret Bunker, Didcot

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