Condensed Movies: Star Trek

Condensed Movies: Star Trek

Last night to the flicks, to see the latest offering from the Star Trek franchise. Being an odd-numbered Trek movie, it is doomed to be full of FAIL, but confounded expectations by being actually rather good.

So good, that I have immediately fed it into my patent Condens-o-matic and reproduce the film in its entirety, translated into the easy-to-understand language of today's youth. Innit. Contains spoilers throughout, FTW.

In this version, the role of Spock will be played by Top Gear's James May. That is all.


Star Trek (2009)

Captain Krk: Hello. I am Captain Krk and I am EXCELLENT. Today, I shall be mostly getting killed TO DETH by crashing into this fck-off massive Romulan ship. Ouch.

Mrs Krk: Luckily, I have just had a baby. I shall call him Captain. Captain Krk. Innit.

Captain Krk: Hello. I am Captain Krk, and like my old dad, I too am EXCELLENT. Today, I shall be mostly stealing cars, listening to loud music, getting into fights and hitting on Lt Uhura a hub a hub hub hub. And not necessarily in that order

Spk: Hello. I am Spk and I am a nerd. I shall not be hitting on any hot chicks because my mum cuts my hair with a bowl. FAIL

Captain Krk: Oh spoons, I appear to have joined Starfleet by mistake. Hey WOW! Green girls! A hub a hub a hub hub hub

Uhura: You make me sick Captain Krk. I'll never EVER snog you and will get it on with the first pointy-eared geek that I get my hands on

Spk: Hello

Uhura: A hub a hub hub hub

Spk: Fascinating. Also, I hate you Captain Krk for cheating on your Captaining test.

Captain Krk: I hate you too, Spk. Because… because… you're a GIT

Nro: Hello. I am Nero and I am EXCELLENT and EVIL. You may remember me from such EVIL acts as killing Captain Krk's dad Captain Krk completely TO DETH. Now stand back as I do some more EVIL, for eg: completely blowing up the Planet Vulcan TO DETH for the LULZ

Captain Pike: Not if Starfleet's got anything to do with it, FFS. Oh shite. Look at the state of my crew – never have I seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy

Captain Krk, Spk, Bones, Chekov, Sulu, Uhura, some bloke in a red shirt: O hai!

Captain Pike: By the power of Ip Dip Dog Shit, I'm leaving Spk in charge if anything happens to me, for eg: I get kidnapped by evil Romulans hell bent on planting black holes in the core of Federation planets to kill everybody TO DETH

Spk: w00t!

Captain Krk: WTF?!

Uhura: A hub a hub a hub hub shexxxxy Captain Spk a hub hub

Spk: May I be so bold as to point out Klin... Romulans on the starboard bow, Captain

Nro: Greetings captain of the USS Enterprise. Vot is your name?

Spk: Don't tell him, Pike

Captain Pike: *facepalm*

Spk: What-a mistake-a to make-a!

Nro: I am completely kidnapping you, tying you to a comfy chair and prodding you with soft, soft cushions until you reveal the secret defence codes for Planet Earth

Captain Pike: Dirty job lads, I'm off. Spk's in charge

Spk: Now for some real POWER. LOLOLOLOL

Nro: Also, I am blowing up Spk's home planet for teh LULZ, as previously discussed

Spk: ARSE

Red shirt bloke: Not if I've got anything to do with it.

[five seconds later]

Red shirt bloke: Ouch, bad career move. I am TEH DED.

Nro: I have blown up teh Planet Vulcan and killed everybody TO DETH. EPIC WIN

Chekov: Don't worry Keptin Spk, I have saved your mum and dad because I am EXCELLENT with the transporter

Spk: WIN!

Chekov: Nope. Killed your old lady TO DETH by mistake.

Spk: ARSE! You killed Winona Ryder TO DETH. WINONA RYDER!

Chekov: Still, she was better in E. Scissorhands

Captain Krk: U R full of FAIL, Spk. My turn to be Captain

Spk: Yeah? I'm putting you off at the next bus stop, for the WIN

Captain Krk: ARSE

Uhura: Poor, poor Spk. Let me sit on ur face to cheer you up a bit.

Captain Krk: Double ARSE. Just set me down on this ice planet, see if I care

Spk: Mmmf mmmf mmmf (Translation: "Welcome to Planet FAIL. Population: You.")

Old Spk: Hello. I am Old Spk and I am EXCELLENT.

Captain Krk: Wait... WHAT?

Old Spk: Yeah, look. Bit embarrassing, this. I was supposed to save the Planet Romulus from blowing up, but I stopped for a quick one off the wrist on the way at the memory of Uhura sitting on my face, got there too late, accidentally travelled in time with a huge cargo of black hole guff which got stolen by a mental Romulan who is using it as part of his deranged revenge plans to destroy the entire Federation.

Captain Krk: Riiight...

Old Spk: Unfortunately, when we asked "What could possibly go wrong?" nobody thought of "stopping for a quick one off the wrist on the way at the memory of Uhura sitting on my face, getting there too late, accidentally travelling in time with a huge cargo of black hole guff which gets stolen by a mental Romulan to use as part of his deranged revenge plans to destroy the entire Federation"

Captain Krk: Spk from TEH FUTUR is even worse than evil power-mad Spk

Old Spk: Soz. I am full of FAIL. If it's any consolation, there's a mad Scotch person living nearby

Scotchy: Hoots mon och! Help ma boab!

Captain Krk: What did he say? I don't speak Scotch

Old Spk: He says he can get us out of here.

Scotchy: Crivens! It's a braw bricht moonlicht nicht, the noo.

Old Spk: He has – by complete and utter coincidence – contrived a means of transporting matter unlimited distances to a target that is moving in excess of the speed of light, for eg to the engineering deck of the USS Enterprise. Never mind this was never mentioned in forty years of Star Trek, eh readers?

Scotchy: Jings! Buckie!

Captain Krk: Hello! We are back! Can I be captain now?

Spk: BUMCAKES. We will decide this disagreement in the usual, approved manner

Captain Krk: Agreed. Spock, paper, scissors. Three – two – one – GO!

Spk: I am, quite naturally, Spk

Captain Krk: LOL! Paper – WIN!

Spk: Argh! Outspan and ARGH!

Captain Krk: Hello. I am Captain Captain Krk, and I am EXCELLENT. Today I am mostly going to kill Nro TO DETH, before he blows up Uranus, or something

Teh Federation: HALP! Nro is drilling a huge hole in San Francisco. Even though – as a city – we're well used to having huge holes drilled, this could be A Bad Thing

Captain Krk: I have a cunning plan, for eg: Kill Nro TO DETH, rescue Captain Pike, save teh world and then have teh sex with loads of green girls because I am EXCELLENT

Spk: Good luck with that, jerk.

Captain Krk: You're coming too.

Spk: ARSE

[Ten minutes of spectacular special effects later]

Captain Krk: There. I have killed Nro TO DETH, rescued Captain Pike and saved the world. Now for loads of EXCELLENT sex with green girls

Spk: Wait... what? I did all the work...

Captain Pike: You really are completely EXCELLENT, Krk

Spk: Who saved the entire mission by killing all the Romulan goons TO DETH? Eh? EH?

Captain Pike: Here, Krk. Have a medal

Spk: And who – might I ask - was the one willing to sacrifice his own life by ramming Nro with a ship full of Black Hole guff?

Captain Krk: And I've put 50,000 credits behind the bar at Madame Vert's Green Girl Fun House. You deserve it. What a guy

Uhura: What a dreamboat ...sigh...

Old Spk: And another thing

Spk: What?

Old Spk: Sort your hair out. You'll never get laid looking like that

Scotchy: Jings!