Thursday, May 28, 2009

On trucking

On trucking

And so to Yeovil (twinned with Mos Eisley space port – never will you see such a hive of scum and villainy) to empty my garage of tat into the sausage-like grabbing hands of tattooed car boot sale goers. And that was just the women.

Before the afternoon was out, the heavens opened, and we soon found ourselves driving in Braille down the A37 back to the relative civilisation of Weymouth.

Not even out of the cousin-marrying wastelands of Somerset, we found ourselves caught behind the tail-lights of a large commercial vehicle struggling its way over the steep inclines of the local hills, bearing a load that would surely – touch wood – destroy Dorchester completely TO DEATH.

On the back of the lorry, in large reassuring letters, was the message:

"This vehicle is CO2 neutral. Are you?"

Now, I'm not one to point out the lack of irony in any company's corporate statement, but it is worth pointing out at this stage that this particular truck's cargo just happened to be 5,000 gallons of unleaded petrol.

That is – to use the correct technical term – a metric fuckload of greenhouse gases to offset. (Where one metric fuckload = 52 tonnes).

I would suggest, if the people in charge of writing touchy-feely messages on the back of BP tankers is reading this, they might want to consider a more realistic approach:

- "One pound per litre? Ch-CHING!"

- "WAAAAAAAAAARGH! No brakes!"

- "How's my driving? Yours is shit, by the way"

- "One false move and I can blow a hole in the world the size of Belgium"

- "Honk if you got it last night"

- "No dead prostitutes are kept in this lorry overnight"
Or, if they are so inclined, they might like to employ a play on words based on the company initials:

- "Buggery, please"
Next time in Marketing Weekly: The McDonalds "Fisting is Fun!" promotion – are advertising agencies above the law?

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