Heaven knows people are angry about MPs' second home expenses. And rightly so. Because, to be utterly frank, if you're going to try to claim for a 42" plasma TV, it is entirely proper business etiquette not to let yourself get caught.
What kind of plank – I ask – do we entrust the navigation of this proud nation if they can't even rip off the petty cash tin without getting caught?
It is no surprise to learn, then, that my two local MPs: Nu-Labour schools minister Jim Knight and Tory big cheese Oliver Letwin both claimed over twenty grand last year for their second home allowances. The fragrant, pouting Ann Widdecombe, on the other hand, claimed only 800 quid and a handful of ugly dust.
Of course, it's the foul, corrupt system to blame, and not the angelic members of parliament who – on their first day on the job - found themselves faced with a huge pile of used notes next to a sign "Please don't get caught robbing this money, LOL".
Still, it's not too late to put things right, and I've already written to my local Honourable Members with a novel solution:
Dear Mr Knight and Mr Letwin,What, I ask, could possibly go wrong? I await their replies, breath duly bated.
Obviously, you've let us all down with your tennis courts and shit.
Let's put it right, and – don't tell a soul – we can make a few thou into the bargain.
My plan is this: The pair of you jack in your expensive second homes and share a flat in a run-down part of London. Then, we film your shenanigans and sell the footage as an "odd-couple" sit-com to the highest bidder, thus paying money BACK to the taxpayer and making a bit of a profit on the side.
Hazel Blears is tentatively written in as the specialist love interest (ticks all the minority boxes for the TV execs) and I've got Dennis Waterman to do the theme tune:
"One's Nu-Lab! The other's a Toff! Dorset tractor boys in the Cit-eeee!"
Heaven knows ITV2 need something to show now that Jordan, Jordan's tits and Orange Peter have gone their seperate ways. It could be YOU.
I know what you're thinking: It's a WINNER. Let's get it on!
PS I am not mad