Heaven knows people are angry about MPs' second home expenses. And rightly so. Because, to be utterly frank, if you're going to try to claim for a 42" plasma TV, it is entirely proper business etiquette not to let yourself get caught.What kind of plank – I ask – do we entrust the navigation of this proud nation if they can't even rip off the petty cash tin without getting caught?
It is no surprise to learn, then, that my two local MPs: Nu-Labour schools minister Jim Knight and Tory big cheese Oliver Letwin both claimed over twenty grand last year for their second home allowances. The fragrant, pouting Ann Widdecombe, on the other hand, claimed only 800 quid and a handful of ugly dust.
Of course, it's the foul, corrupt system to blame, and not the angelic members of parliament who – on their first day on the job - found themselves faced with a huge pile of used notes next to a sign "Please don't get caught robbing this money, LOL".
Still, it's not too late to put things right, and I've already written to my local Honourable Members with a novel solution:
Dear Mr Knight and Mr Letwin,What, I ask, could possibly go wrong? I await their replies, breath duly bated.
Obviously, you've let us all down with your tennis courts and shit.
Let's put it right, and – don't tell a soul – we can make a few thou into the bargain.
My plan is this: The pair of you jack in your expensive second homes and share a flat in a run-down part of London. Then, we film your shenanigans and sell the footage as an "odd-couple" sit-com to the highest bidder, thus paying money BACK to the taxpayer and making a bit of a profit on the side.
Hazel Blears is tentatively written in as the specialist love interest (ticks all the minority boxes for the TV execs) and I've got Dennis Waterman to do the theme tune:
"One's Nu-Lab! The other's a Toff! Dorset tractor boys in the Cit-eeee!"
Heaven knows ITV2 need something to show now that Jordan, Jordan's tits and Orange Peter have gone their seperate ways. It could be YOU.
I know what you're thinking: It's a WINNER. Let's get it on!
Your Pal,
Albert O'Balsam
PS I am not mad
24 comments:
First. You could also include Hogg's Moat. (BTW, what an appropriate name for the delinquent!)
Second!!!
good one!
LOL
Scary, under the rules of "Have Your Say" which as a BBC employee control your life, you are required to refer to then as "ZaNu-labour". Please correct this imediatly.
Colonel: I believe the correct term is "Gordon CLOWN's ZaNu Lie-Bore"
I think I saw this programme already.
There's only one old-and-busted-Haloscan-comments commenter, and my computer's too new-fangled to read it.
Poor, lonely commenter. I shall never even know their name.
"Ugly dust"? The fragrant, pouting Ann Widdecombe gets to present Have I got news for you, and you don't. Are you jealous?
Breath duly bated with what? Veuve Cliquot and Camembert to suit the tastes?
Pseudonymph - yes. These items were claimed for (see expenses page 250, paragraph 2).
Dorset tractor boys, eh? I think there may be other applications for that sentence...
Colonel Molerat: Akchewly, there are two comments on The Fabulous Haloscan Comments which are working just fine, so there.
The other person is the Excellent Debster.
Oh, and I've just remembered.
Scary, I forgot to fill in my expense form for the time I looked after your blog while you were away.
I shall email it to you asap.
You can leave the cash in the usual place, akay?
Cheers.
PS. If anybody fancies a party, please head over to mine for info!
Scary's paying ;)
M: I seem to remember returning from holiday to find my blog pink and in an extreme case of "fucked up" for EG linking to Tottenham Hotspur FC.
Still awaiting damages for emotional distress
I'm sorry.
A bigger boy told me to do it.
Loada whingin about nothing if you ask me, 's not like they are fiddling any decent sums of cash now is it?
If they had any talent they'd be in the City ripping the tax payer off for millions in bonuses as their banks get more & more cash to bail themselves out with.
In short, Britain's politicians have no class - what sort of utter gimpo buys a house in Soton & then has to spend 22 grand gettingt he dry-rot sorted? Do these people not have access to property surveyors or what?
Actually it's 'cos they are too stupid to read what the report says.
So, no class & as thick as pig shit as well.
An accurate reflection of of the population I reckon 'cos you only ever get politicians you deserve.
German (I) Tony
Misty: Have you EVER done what a bloke tells you to? No. Exactly.
Admit it. "Moat Cleaning" is really UKish slang for some really disgusting perverted sexually deviant act, right?
Rik: I have done a couple of times.
It was rather fun as I remember ;)
Love your sense of humor, keep it coming
de sport en magasin Livraison 24 H,Air ShoesVendre nike chaussures Nike Tn,requin tn,CHAUSSURES FEMME,Nike chaussures homme ,nike shox nz ,NIKE AIR MAX 360,NIKE SHOX TORCH,NIKE ShOX Rival,Nike Shox R4,wholesale polo shirtsNIKE AIR RIFT,NIKE requin tn Livraison 24H Shox R4,nike tnJeans OnlineNIKE AIR RIFT,NIKE requin tn Livraison 24H Paypal Credit card Accept
I’m a Wholesale Polo Shirts huge fan of Fiber Gourmet pasta’s; Cheap Ed Hardy clothingthey taste great and Air Max Chaussures are healthy not only for you but your entire family. Polo shirtThere’s really no difference in the taste between thisTn Requin pasta and your standard pasta, Chaussures SportI couldn’t tell the difference, Polo shirtneither could any member of my family including my picky children.Chaussures puma It’s nice to know that even while dieting and watching my calorie intake there Chaussures Nikeis an alternative out there that allows me to eat the pasta I want, Wholesale Polo Shirts
when I want without the guilt.
Air Jordan Shoes
Wholesale NFL Jerseys
MBT shoes
nike tn requin chaussures
puma chaussures hommes
tn chaussures
nike tn
ed hardy clothing
ed hardy clothing
chaussures tn
Remise Sports Chaussures
tn requin
NFL Jerseys
It can't truly have effect, I consider like this.
Post a Comment