On Alfred Spezzo
"Did you see that film last night?"
No. No I did not see that film last night, for I was hard at work, posting crap onto Twitter.
"Which one?" I ask of my fragrant wife.
"You know – ITV, late night. Had him in it."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"You know – nice bloke. He was in that film."
Lost me, completely.
"Which film? You're talking gibberish now."
"That scary one. Silence of the Lambs."
"Aaaaah – got you. Anto…"
"Alfred something. Alfred Spezzo."
"You are – my dear – completely wrong. I can tell you with a high degree of confidence that it is NOT Alfred Spezzo."
"Oh, right – you're SO sure with your high-fallutin' accent telling me Alfred Spezzo wasn't in Silence of the Lambs, The Mask of Zorro and that other film with Aflred Spezzo in."
"Yes. Yes I am. Also: Your mum."
"Oh yeah? Spacker."
"It's SIR Alfred Spezzo, as ane fule kno."
She looks triumphant. I like a triumphant look on a woman.
"There you are, then. It also had Anthony Hopkins in it."
So, in a fit of pique I fired up my laptop and - "Ah ha! Just as I thought!" - there is NO Sir Alfred Spezzo in the IMDB database.
I stormed out to the safety of my shed and my priceless collection of wall fixings, pausing only to bowk rich brown vomit into a hedge. That'll learn her.