Once again, the world finds itself on a knife-edge as those North Korean curs insist on letting off bloody great explosions even after they've been told to stop.
One false move could see us all slip into the abyss of firey nuclear destruction, and it's going to take some careful negotiation with the world's least stable dictator to sort this one out.
So, taking a break from scraping the tips off 500,000 boxes of matches, Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il has written to the UN to explain himself, as reported by North Korean official news agency KCNA:
Dear the United NationsAnd the reply, hastily scrawled on the back of a napkin (slightly soiled):
Comradely greetings from the sunny DPRK!
Please pardon the recent repeated missile and nuclear tests carried out in true patriotic fervour by the hard-working scientists of the Socialist Military-First Juche Republic of North Korea.
We fully understand your concern at these tests, and realise the implications they might have for both regional and global security viz-a-viz legally-binding Non-Proliferation Agreements and the accidental burning off of the entire world's atmosphere should things go completely tits-up.
True, we have made giant leaps in science- and military-led technology as our workers throw themselves into their tasks with the fervour of a capitalist-killing human bomb shouting "Hurrah!" to the Great Leader, but you can be assured that this work – inspired by an unprecedented double halo around the summit of sacred Mount Paektu – is for the noblest of causes,
As you may be aware, Jimmy Carr is currently planning a summer end-of-the-pier tour, taking in such venues as Weymouth, Torquay, Grimsby and - somehow – Pyongyang-on-Sea.
As you are well aware, Pyongyang-on-Sea houses our priceless collection of 300-foot statues of Kylie Minogue, her wonky-faced sister Dannii and our latest edition, the 600-foot statue of the twin peaks of Holly Willoughby. Frankly, if we let Carr anywhere near, the world is FUCKED, so you'll appreciate our concern.
To save our million-man army against this horrific capitalist weapon of mass destruction – not to mention for the greater good of humanity - just as soon as we plant a Taepodong-2 missile tipped with a Glorious Kim warhead straight up his arse, we'll stop.
Dear KimThe world is safe again – BUT FOR HOW LONG?
As you were – carry on, old chap.
Up the workers!