After much deliberating, I finally present the 2009/2010 version of the Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Things for Excellence, your handy at-a-glance table for rating things for excellence.This year's list sees all change at the top, with Allsopp and Beeny finally falling from grace, their stars falling just as the York sisters are on the rise.
Our top three is completed by the more earthy coupling of Bradbury and Humble, whilst the bargain basement that marks zero out of twenty is perhaps the worst thing in the whole world, ever. And I apologise for even thinking it up.
This, and previous lists, have been criticised for featuring nothing but a wishlist (and an anti-wishlist) of various celebrities in various states of undress. I counter these complaints with the simple explanation that this is EXACTLY what the Scaryduckworth-Lewis is all about.
If a movie poster said – for example – "Moira Stewart / Kate Moss", you'd know it was a stinker and worth giving a very wide berth, unless you have extremely unusual tastes.
To scotch any talk of sexism, there is nothing to stop my female readership starting their own male-dominated list. But frankly – 50 per cent of the world's population aside – who'd be interested?
The Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Things for Excellence, 2009/2010
0. Hazel Blears and Tessa Jowell spit-roasting Jacqui Smith with strap-ons purchased on parliamentary expenses, whilst Gordon Brown films everything for the Number Ten YouTube channel
1. Jordan
2. Clare Balding, strip-searched. By Sandi Toksvig.
3. Susan Boyle asking if you can reach her top notes, at a Royal Variety Performance for a lightly-oiled Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall
4. Moira Stewart in a see-through negligee, lapping at the gates of Kate Moss
5. A vomit-caked Amy Winehouse fiddling with herself outside HMV on Oxford Street, shouting "Blake! Blaaaake!" At the top of her voice
6. Sharon Osbourne offering to show you what she can do with her teeth out.
7. Germaine Greer in leather with a whip demanding satisfaction from Polly Toynbee
8. The lovely Debbie McGee performing arcane rituals on Paul Daniel's magic wand whilst he shouts "Now that's magic!"
9. A wild-eyed and frothing Heather Mills using her wooden leg to facilitate the pleasure of Myleene Klass.
10. Susie Dent in a rubber dress, undergoing an act of floccinaucinihilipilification as she discovers the new girl is nowhere near as good as poor, dead Carol Vorderman
11. Liza Tarbuck on a molten chocolate slippy-slide, inviting the ginger one from Girls Aloud to lick her clean
12. Lisa Snowdon all over body massage, including the Wednesday rub-n-tug special with a helping hand from Arlene Philips
13. Sarah Beeny wrestling Kirstie Allsopp in a paddling pool filled with baby oil, realising that they have sold far fewer tickets than last year
14. Felicity Kendall practicing the arts of self-sufficiency with a home-grown cucumber, while Penelope Keith talks dirty in the background
15. Emma Thompson on a street corner asking for "business", Emma Watson and her golden snitch only too happy to oblige
16. Billie Piper showing you - exactly - how she got that lisp, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand
17. Nigella Lawson whipping up a creamy sauce on Kate Winslet's Titanic décolletage
18. Julia Bradbury soaked and windswept after a long wet walk up a mountain
19. Kate Humble, naked and enveloped in clingfilm, whispering "unwrap me and eat me"
20. An entirely legal Princess Eugenie of York answering in the positive to the question "Have you got a sister?"
One that didn't quite make it onto the list:
-1. Max Clifford gorging on the decaying genitals of poor, dead Jade Goody.
Too soon?
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