I've just broken into the offices of the Daily Mail. And aside from a caged Richard Littlejohn, I found a file marked "Future Front Pages. Warning: CANCER RISK".I felt it was my duty, then, to kick Littlejohn right in the fuck, and to take my life in my hands and liberate the front page copy.
I've read through the lot. Nothing to worry about. Look for yourselves:
Headline: We're all doomed ARRRRRRGH!
The nation has been plunged into crisis after European Union bureaucrats refused the entire United Kingdom was a fire safety certificate on the grounds that many – if not all – of its trees are made of highly inflammable wood.
Confirming the Brussels edict, UK government Head Bastard and EU apologist Lord Mandelson told a huddled mass of reporters: "One match, one carelessly discarded cigarette, one hideous accident with a B-52 bomber loaded with napalm and WOOF! the whole lot could go up.
"Citizens! Stay in your homes!" he continued, that I-could-have-you-all-killed-as-easy-as-kiss-my-hand look on his face "Keep watching officially approved state broadcasting outlets!"
After pointing out that homes are just as dangerous as the outside world, Lord Mandelson advised Britons to dig a big hole in their gardens, throw themselves in and leave their twitching bodies for the rats.
"After a brief peak of 100 per cent fatalities in 2009, our analysts predict zero accidental deaths both in the homes and in the outside world for some years to come", Mandelson said.
"I am not mad."
Headline: We're all doomed ARRRRRRGH!
Secret European Union plans have been revealed that will doom each and every one of us to early DEATH through the enforced use of cancer-filled low energy lightbulbs.
Brussels Eurocrats plan to kill us all by plunging this nation into semi-darkness, whittling down numbers through a steady war of attrition via otherwise avoidable household accidents in the twilight caused by these foreign-produced pieces of shit.
Figures leaked from government sources see:
* 312% increase in deaths from sitting on toilet brushes
* 932% increase in roller skates-on-stairs-related fatalities
* 10,000% increase in summary executions for light bulb misuse
If that wasn't enough, Trinity House have revealed that all UK lighthouses must now be fitted with 12W low energy bulbs as per EU regulations, with foghorns restricted to 30dB during the hours of darkness.
Recent secret trials off the coast of Sellafield led to the loss of bulk nuclear waste carrier, the Liberia-registered MV Ship-full-of-darkies-and-immigrants-who'd-crap-in-your-airing-cupboard-given-half-the-chance and its cargo of fifty thousand tins of irradiated Special Brew.
"It's rather embarrassing", said a Trinity House spokesman, "We switched on the light, fell down the stairs in the dark and by the time it had warmed up, it had completely vanished.
"We are, however, investigating reports of 50, 000 glowing corpses in Blackpool. It's a most perplexing mystery."
UK government Head Bastard and EU apologist Lord Mandelson told a huddled mass of reporters: "You're on your own, bastards. Good luck."
11 comments:
OMD! I'm first, first, first!! *doing the happy dance*
Sloppy seconds for me, with me LOLing many times. Also enjoyed the fact that the UK might BE a fire safety certificate.
More articles from the Daily Mail please!
I feel much better about where I live now.
Who knew lightbulb misuse was so high?
Have you been taking those tablets again?
If not, maybe you should...
Come on. Loyal Daily Mail readers all know that unmarried, knife-wielding, dark skinned, asylum seeking, benefit-scrounging, Islamic hoodie mothers from Eastern Europe (smuggled in by zanu nu-liebour to kill saintly Lady Di TO DEATH) are in league with the Brussels Eurocrats, under the evil tutelage of that traitor Tiny Bliar (aged 56) SO WHY THE COVER UP SCARY?
What we desperately need is a return to good old family values. That means the immediate banning of Technicolor and the re-introduction of steam trains. The world was a much better place when it was still in black and white, and everyone spoke like Celia Johnson and Trevor Howard. A little light bombing by the Luftwaffe might help too.
P.S. I am not mad either.
Glowing corpses? That sounds like a mystery for Scooby and his gang lol
And what about all those holes in Blackburn, Lancashire? Four Beatles can't be wrong, surely?
Maybe the corpses are glowing to cut down the use of cancer bulbs.
But THE FLIES................. EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!
@WrathofDawn
I'd love to turn you on.
I'll bet you say that to all the girls.
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