Regular readers of these pages will know by now that I'm a big fan of SCIENCE and FACTS, and an even bigger fan of fake SCIENCE masquerading as FACTS in the pursuit of a quick fortune.The above statement may or may not have anything to do with my latest SCIENCE and FACT based money-making venture – a trip into the world of complementary medicine and homeopathy.
Homeopathy, as you may know, is the practice of diluting a substance in water to such an extent that absolutely NONE of the original exists.
This process allows the quack to pass off a bottle of water as magic medicine that contains the "memory" of the original, and is hence a cure-all medicine that many people swear by.
I'd swear by it as well. They're fucking idiots.
However, they're easily-impressed idiots with lots and lots of money, to such an extent that even major High Street retailers have the front to sell bottles of magic water at an extraordinary mark-up.
And I want a slice of the action.
Just as your Take a Break astrologers rake it in with dial-up Astro-Tarot-Flip-a-Coin-Feng-Shui horoscopes, I'll be mixing up the best alternative medicines to provide a unique, scientifically unsound, highly profitable service.
And it is this: Combine the best natural therapies with reflexology and homeopathy to create a therapy that has guaranteed* results.
Applying homeopathic logic into the sphere of natural medicine: I theorise that if a plant such as mistletoe holds healing properties (with natural therapists claiming it can be used for lowering blood pressure and combating fatigue, whilst others say it is also useful for poisoning people TO DEATH), other parts of the tree on which this mistletoe grows must have the MEMORY of these properties even if they are not directly connected.
Therefore, other parts of the tree – or any tree growing nearby - can be used in healing, and may be used in my patent-pending herbalist-complementary-homeopathic-reflexology therapies for fee-paying customers.
For fifty quid a throw, I'm going to thrash stupid people's feet with a stick.
It's the very least they deserve.
* results not guaranteed
16 comments:
IMHO Psychopathy works better.
I'm loving the homeopathy theory. So now in my chemist shop, I can not only sell the tablets, but the box it came in (obviously with the memory of the tablet); and by rubbing empty boxes over the space on the shelf upon whence it sat, voila! Boxes with the memory of metoprolol. Take your blood pressure and your money, sir?
You three are too funny. I can't stop laughing.
Can I recommend a treatment for your hysteria?
And on a similar note... does this mean that the purified water,known as Evian, extracted from volcanic rock which was rained upon by clouds filled by evaporation from the seas and the oceans which have received the effluent discharge from a thousand sewage treatment works, have the memory of a billion people's wee and poo in it?
FACT - its really spelled homoeopathy, but is nothing to do with the sex.
You're really going to do well with this venture. My online psychic told me so.
Not forgetting the Doctrin of Signatures where if you eat something that looks like a part of the body, you can cure problems associated with said organ.
Guess those halfwits parading their carrots and tomatoes with knobs were really suffering from Erectile Dysfunction eh?
"Astro-Tarot-Flip-a-Coin-Feng-Shui horoscopes" - great stuff :)
You sir, are on a roll...
I help out a friend who exhibits his alternative education stuff at Mind Body and Spirit exhibitions. I just help out and go and marvel at the gullible getting taken in by the snake oil. At the last one there was a bloke offering "No Hands Massage". This entailed taking his shoes off, rolling his sleeves up and leaning on his elbows all over the victim's back. Although for rip-offs, reiki's got to be up there as it doesn't even seem to involve touching. Come on, I pay £30 for this, I want to be felt. Scary, you are on to a winner.
Audrey, are you recommending the cure I think you're recommending?
I think you may be onto something Scary. It is time to alert Rodders.
Audrey, not only wee and poo. I think you may have just explained the virgin birth. As The Troggs and more aptly Wet Wet Wet put it, Love is All Around. Ew...
where do I sign up to get my feet thrashed??
Ew, indeed.
Homeopathy: you're cured by miniscule amounts of a disease that enable you to build up a resistance (or something like that).
Christmas Carols: Fight for the right to sing badly written songs about a jew born 2,000 years ago - who was only written about in 4 conflicting volumes written several hundred years apart - who was not a god but after his death became part of God (who split into 3 with his son and a tweety bird).
Homeopathy's sounding less kooky, don't you think?
On the same principle surely the air we breathe has a memory too - no wonder sittng on a crowded metro train I reckon I can read people's mind.....
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