Things not to say at a funeral. I repeat: Things not to say at a funeral- "What's that Sam? The money's in the coffin? Bless you Sam."
- "...Funk to funky / We know Major Tom's a junkie"
- "3... 2...1... MEXICAN WAVE!"
- "We've swapped the funeral music for the Birdie Song. Let's see if they're GAME FOR A LAUGH!"
- "Skip to the end, padre. I've got a good feeling about the will."
- "Has anyone mentioned that you look SO hot in black?"
- "Can I have your autograph? It's not for me..."
- "Yeah, face down and covered in garlic, as per your instructions."
- "And the real tragedy is that Jim Davidson's still walking the Earth."
- "I thought it was going to be a Y-shaped coffin"
From Twitter's @DanielOppenheim, who wins an INTARNET: "HA! You dead bastard! I made it! I'm Solihull's 4th greatest piano tuner now!!!"
I have actually said one of these lines. Go on, guess.
Also: Add more.
27 comments:
I'm guessing... You were the autograph hunter
"I thought it was going to be a Y-shaped coffin"
Sounds like a duckism to me
Has to be funk to funky, we know major tom's a junkie. C'mon, who hasn't thought it?
I'm guessing you have said the Jim Davidson one. I guess we have all at one time or another.
Please note : do not say - "I only had eyes for her - but look what I've got for her sister"
"Do you mind if I sit at the front? My hands are cold and I want to warm them up a bit."
Putting the FUN into funeral.
.... and the medium-rare into cremation
Of course, asking the vicar if they know the carbon footprint of the cremation is probably inappropriate.
Are you sure you haven't said them all? I vote either the Derek Acorah one, or the Jim Davidson one. Do we have permission to borrow these? =)
It was the hot in black, wasn't it. Plz to reassure us you were addressing a fellow attendee and not the guest star.
Definately the Hot in Black comment.
Had an Aunt who complained about the heat in the Crem.
Thought my maw was going to lamp her one.
Ok, time to fess up
"Can I have your autograph?"
Yes!!!!!
He shoots, he scores! First answer = correct answer.
Send the payment asap please Mr Duck. The wife, kids and little Tiny Tim will be thrilled at not having to eat gruel again this Christmas.
Thanks!
"Can I have your autograph?"
I didn't know you were a Krankies fan. Or is that just wishful thinking?
Also do not call the dearly departed Harold when his name was Walter.
I will cause unseemly laughter from people who should be behaving better like, oh say, his daughter.
I'm just saying.
"Did I say his second wife? Sorry old girl, slip of the tongue. Ah, padre's talking, eyes front."
May we inquire who's autograph you were asking for?
Oh and I want a mexican wave at my funeral!!!!
Was "Can I have your autograph?" said to the dead fella in the coffin or one of the mourners?
And drum roll, please!
At Heath Ledger's viewing.......
"You know I can see you breathing." very unactorish.
Or: "It goes like this, I love the duds but the make-up's gotta go."
And also: Duh! I thought you were taller."
"Even though you are afaker-death-plotter, can I kiss you just the same."
And: "Sigh. If I only could have gotten up my courage and alerted him to the fact I saw it coming!"
And still yet, "I Love, just love you, " you gush, "in purple."
And still more, drum roll okay!
"Could ya at least have let me be in the know sos I coulda been there the day before the alleged suicide?" Outside you're Broome stick apartment!"
Now more still but please simmer down, drums: "Did you take your pills, Heath Honey."
"Did your momma or Warner Brothers assist you in this rats race, cool death pose faked death?"
Kinda leaves you to be in the know, about a one-track mind.
Andy Gibb, ya know you are the ghost with the most, but do you mind?!?
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