"What did you have for breakfast?" she asks."Err... toast," I admit.
"Did you use a spoon?" she demands, in a tone that suggests the offending implement has been found jammed up the dog's bottom.
"Why..." I say, struggling to find the logic, "Why should I use a spoon for toast?"
"I hate seeing butter in the marmalade and marmite in the butter. Use a spoon."
That told me. New house rule.
And so, the next day:
"Where are all the spoons?" she asks.
"In the washing up"
"And why?"
I count off on my fingers: "Butter, margerine, marmite, jam, marmalade, tomato ketchup, brown sauce, barbecue sauce, Chicken Tonight, Ragu."
"Is that all?"
"And the one I found up the dog's bottom."
"You disgust me."
15 comments:
The one up the dog's bottom? That'd be the one with the nutella on, then.
No mayonnaise?
Should have been "up the bog's dottom", for a WIN.
Ok, so strange implements up bottoms it is then.
Did you hear about the constipated maths teacher?
He worked it out with his pencil.
Hat/coat
GT
Getting towards a tale of mirth and woe.
I'm gonna side with your Better Half on this one. Using up all the spoons? You should be castrated!
It's a reason she's Better.
So, is there a difference in the taste on the toast between the spoon used on the dog's bottom and marmite?
Well, it LOOKS like shite and it SMELLS like shite so.....
"Butter, margerine, marmite, jam, marmalade, tomato ketchup, brown sauce, barbecue sauce, Chicken Tonight, Ragu."
That's a lot of goo to have at the same time, innit?
With that list, you'd think she'd get you a trowel.
My diet thanks you.
You have definately put me off toast for at least a month.
Hers is not an easy life, is it?
How did the spoon get up the dog's bottom anyway?
Well Butter my ample arse! You've only gone and used my very favorite ever photo of the famous bender, Url Geller, to illustrate your tale of spoons + dog bumhole = LOLZ
Ironically, I have a signed version of this photo that I like to wipe my cheese filled arse on when the moon is full. Hats off, sir.
I still want to know why there was jam up the dog's bottom.
When trying to get the shit out of a constipated dogs bottom don't use a spoon, just blow up a Walkers Crisp bag, creep up quietly behind him and slap the bag as hard as you can whilst shouting "BANG!", and the comes flying out at supersonic speed. One minor point though, make sure you are standing slightly to one side, peferably upwind when you do it.
Take it from someone who knows these things.
I am not mad either.
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