How – I ask – did my life come to this pass?
"Thank you for shopping at Matalan!
"While you're shopping with us, why not kit yourself out with this year's nautical look with striped tops, shoes and headwear from our promotional section?
"Finish your look with the right accessories and you'll be ready to set sail!"
The following day:
"It's twelve o'clock on Dorset's Wessex FM and this is your local and national news.
"Police are appealing for witnesses after a number of sailors were founded naked and gagged by Weymouth Harbour in the early hours of this morning.
"All had been robbed of their clothes after befriending a stranger in a local public house, and police are baffled as to the motive behind the alleged incident."
The charming Mrs Duck eyes me with a quizzical he's- not-getting-away-with-anything glance.
"Is that a new outfit you're wearing?"
I cannot lie.
"You look TERRIBLE in stripes."