On vuvuzela

On vuvuzela

Ah, the vuvuzela, musical instrument of the Gods. Who can forget Mozart's Vuvuzela Concerto in B minor that took polite society by storm in eighteenth century Vienna?

Many have seen the horn favoured by South African football fans as a bit of a nuisance in the World Cup, but these people overlook the instrument's pivotal role in world history. For example, Samuel Pepys wrote:

17th July 1660: Rous'd from my slumber before dawn by the sound of ye verye gates of HELL be'ng thrown open. Discover'd to my dismay it was but myne Lord Downing, very muche in his cups and play'ng but a single note of a long, red trumpet of the lyke I have never seene before.
"Tally Ho England!" he shout'd up to me at length, "And that Robert Green is a verit'ble useless cunt!"
Then, he continu'd his cacophony, which went on for some hours until the watch shov'd the accurs'd thing up his bottom.

In modern times, Katie "Jordan" Price is about to storm the charts with her new single, in which she plays a virtuoso vuvuzela solo. She has, readers will be interested to learn, had years of practice on the instrument.

Of course, many people cannot afford the huge prices these instruments command. However, you may recreate the authentic vuvuzela sound in the comfort of your own home by slamming a cow in your car door.

Or, invite 10,000 wasps round for tea, before making them buzzing mad with a barrage of "Your Mum" jokes.