Wednesday, June 02, 2010

On saving lives in the workplace

On saving lives in the workplace

The problem: The single biggest killer in the workplace comes from people getting whupped in the face by the toilet door

You know how it goes: You've just had a relaxing fifteen minute rest on the throne. You've disposed of your copy of the Guardian sports section thoughtfully, and you've got half a mind to return to your desk. Or to the cigarette shelter. Whatever.

Coming the other way is a desperate colleague, making a dash for the can as fast as the John Inman walk will allow, throwing the door open just as you reach for the handle.


You reel around, blood spurting from a near fatal wound to the nose, your hand reduced to a gory stump as the door handle ripped through tender flesh and bone.

This grim toll on the office workers of this nation MUST BE STOPPED.

The solution: Laser rangefinders inside toilet doors

Using SCIENCE and MATHS, these devices detect movement on either side of the door, and warn users of imminent collisions, thus saving lives and an awful lot of paperwork.

Additional benefits can be obtained by the lasers detecting whether the user has washed his hands after flushing, and an exponential increase in power can vaporise these filthy curs completely TO DEATH before they can poison colleagues to death the second they grasp the doorhandle.

The lack of a body is clean and hygienic, and the only paperwork involved is a computer-generated letter to next of kin saying "He hates you, and wanted to say he's gone to live in South America and is NEVER COMING BACK."

I am not mad.

In other news: This evening, I will be mostly at that BBC showcasing another of my EXCELLENT inventions to the fantastic Mr Dave Gorman on his Genius programme. I'll show them who's not mad.

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