"Dear The Dorset Echo", a citizen of my home town writes, in a plea to start a cull of
troublesome sea birds:
A seagull dive-bombs me every time I go outside as it has a nest in a neighbour’s garden.
A group of seagulls rip all my rubbish bags open while waiting for them to be collected, leaving my rubbish all over the road for everyone to see.
A flock of seagulls mistake my car for a toilet on a regular basis.
Why oh why oh why etc...
Of course, like a red rag to a bull, I cannot resist:
Dear The Dorset Echo,
I'm sorry to hear that one of your readers has regular problems with A Flock of Seagulls mistaking his car for a toilet.
Only last week, I caught the miserable one from Tears For Tears wiping his arse on my front doormat.
Then, I had to turn the hose on Orchestral Maneouvres in the Dark after they left a floater in my fish pond, before running amok at the Pirate Crazy Golf course on the seafront with Adam Ant.
And on the way back from the Old Castle the other night, I spotted a young lady in the gutter, rather the worse for wear from drink, bowking rich, brown vomit into a drain.
"Excuse me, ma'am," I said chivalrously, "Can I possibly be of any assistance?"
She turned her head toward me to reveal that she was no lady, but the hairy one from 80s pop icons Kajagoogoo, utterly in his cups, tunelessly singing "Too Shy".
Then he used my car as a toilet. Utter disgrace.
When will this New Romantic terror end?
Be lucky.
Albert O'Balsam, Wyke Regis
You know, I really don't think they're going to publish this one.
"Dear The Dorset Echo", a citizen of my home town writes, in a plea to start a cull of troublesome sea birds:
11 comments:
First for LOLs on a Friday, and knowing EXACTLY who you are talking about.
God, I'm old.
I doubt whether your tales of toilet related shenanigans by fading pop stars are sufficiently out of the ordinary in Weymouth for the press to take note.
Here in North East Hampshire, it is members of the house of lords who are a public menace. The times I have had to tell David Steel to fuck off and shit in his own pond are beyond reckoning.
Your becoming the Dorset Echo Stalker stalker.
They printed your comments, didn't they? =)
Why do I detect an increasing number of posts relating to gender confusion?
Is there something that perhaps you want to share with your loyal readers?
PS. maybe the miserable one from Tears for Fears had just posted a freshly laid turd through your letter box in the belief that that's the only language you understand.
You could avoid future UNwelcome skid-marks by threading a roll of Kleenex velvet over the door knocker. It's the courtesy details that make all the difference, you know.
I don't need to point out that said Tear for Fear was singing "Shite! Shite! Let it all out!" as he did his business
I ran so far away..
I have to admit to nearly pissing myself laughing when I saw the comment on the Dorset Echo site the other day. Nice one!
You should surely have sent your letter to 'The Dorset Echo & The Bunnymen'.
I thank you!
PT: I LOLed
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