I have just had the dubious pleasure of reading George MacDonald Fraser's historical novel The Reavers.Now, I'm a huge fan of Fraser for his awesome Flashman books, and I was expecting more of the same – immaculately research history, bawdy romps, high adventure.
Nope.
Sorry to speak ill of the dead, but this stunk like the rotting corpse of Michael Barrymore's TV career – the sight of a bitter old man railing against New Labour, the modern world, thrashing around at random targets in a book set in the 1590s.
And the worst crime of all – attempting to be funny when he clearly isn't.
I've read Dan Brown, and I'd rather crawl on my hands and knees through a mile of rotting cat turds, reciting The Dan Vinci Code word-for-word than read The Reavers again.
So, I'm going to ask: What's the worst book you've ever read.
Hint: Say "Tales of Mirth and Woe" and you get a slap.
34 comments:
worst book ever-catcher in the rye.
self indulgent,pointless waste of trees. absolute horseshit.
Cider with Rosie. shuddabin Cyanide with Rosie. Load of mawkish rosetinted claptrap.
And the 1979 Bedfordshire telephone directory was a little on the dull side.
The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett was the worst thing I ever read. It took months as I kept falling asleep but I persevered for the good of my moral fiber.
I can't remember the title, but it was a Gary Gygax book about demons. There were many demons and they could only be distinguished by the relative positions of the letters Q, R and X within the 12th to 14th syllables of their names. Absolutely unreadable.
I gave up before reaching chapter three.
I also had the same trouble with "I, Claudius", where the principal characters names varied by just an L or an E added here and there, or by surname, e.g. Gaius (Caeser) and Gaius (Silius)
But I stuck with that one, because it was brilliant.
Swiss Family Robinson. It's like Robinson Crusoe with no plot, no drama, no tension, and no point. The family are practically glad to be shipwrecked for the educational experience. Maybe this is what happens when people from a landlocked country try to go sailing.
Yak: I read Catcher in the Rye and I completely agree.
See also: Anything by Salman Rushdie.
Just about anything by Colin Forbes. I have read three of his books now thinking that maybe he was having an off day and all those folks who get his books into the WH Smith top 50 can't be *that* wrong. Sorry, but it's no good, people are obviously idiots with no taste and his books are utter shite. Sub Avengers (the TV series, not the comic book) twaddle with plots that a three year old could have written with holes the size of Manchester in them. It's no wonder Colin Forbes was a pseudonym, if I was Raymond Sawkins I wouldn't have wanted my name on such rubbish either.
Catcher in the rye is abysmal.
If TRT had trouble with I Claudius try one of the Russian classics.
They all have at least 5 names depending on who is speaking to them.
Ulysses.
BLERG.
The Bible. It's all lies. Most of that was made up by some muppet who thought he knew me.
My mum wasn't a virgin, she was hooker on the streets of Jerusalem and my dad, Joseph, was one of her punters!
'I'd rather crawl on my hands and knees through a mile of rotting cat turds, reciting The Dan Vinci Code word-for-word than read The Reavers again.'
Other choices are available. Reading Terry Pratchett, for one.
Anyone remember "The Flowers in the Attic" series, dead popular in the 80's about siblings locked up who end up playing Hide the Sausage?
Pure keech but you had to read them. Ecause you couldn't believe how bad they were.
Also Naked Lumch, Last exit to Brooklyn and The Gormenghast Trilogy, utter utter keech the lot of them.
Gormenghast reamins high on the list of Thing Which Are Utter Bobbins. The fact that I read half of the entire trilogy while waiting in the A&E department of Whipps Cross hostipal speaks volumes for the utter shiteitude of Whipps Cross hostipal, but I digress.
Colin Forbes is pants. I do not wish to hear about Paula's bone structure more than once. Or at all, really. Srsly.
I have recently read Eoin Colfer's "And Another Thing" and rather wish I hadn't bothered. Money back, please.
The worst book I have ever read is also one of the best that I have read, namely:
Lord of The Rings
Mainly due to the 500 pages of 'filler' such as Bilbo being a depressed & walking to Mordor on his stupidly large & pube-covered feet which somehow takes 200 ultra-boring pages.
Also the Whizzer & Chips annual from 1980 should get an honorary mention...
Although the 1981 version is widely seen as the nadir in the series
The Silmarillion. Just because you write it doesn't mean it has to be published.
Thanks so much for that - I very nearly bought it for the same reasons.. Personally I thought The Glass Books of the Dream Eaters by G.W. Dahlquist was utter tosh.
I would put a Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, but I never finished it. Therefore it has to be Angels and Demons. Complete and utter nonsense.
I'm reasonably surprised no one has thought to put the Twishite books on here as the worst ever read. They're pretty damn abysmal. Not as bad as the films mind you, but still, pretty crap.
Worst books ever read;
- All of the "abused child" books that my grandmother forced me to read. Essential plot line of every singe one is "Oh, my life was shit as a kid, now I'm a counsellor telling people that life isn't fair thus furthering my meaningless existence".
- Sven Hassel - Reign of hell. Summed up in one word: MostBoringPieceOfCrapEverToBeDrivenOutOfAHorse'sScrotumByANailgun.
I thought about reading The Reavers but never got around to it. Now, I never will.
Worst books: Naked Lunch, and Gormenghast. Or maybe they're the same book, I never finished either one so I'll never know.
The Da Vinci Code comes close, but the Ultimate Awful Novel was The Horse Whisperer. No dog deserves to get that piece of utter slop shoved up its bottom, but such an act would do the literary world a great service.
I wish to point out that your post on the subject of Worst Books Evah has attracted nearly double the number of spicy brains than your prior football post.
Do I take it, then, that the consumers of SD esq.'s bloggy offerings are, in matter of fact, an enlightened chorus of intellectuals rather than a baying mob of football hooligans?
Anything by James Joyce (even his shopping lists were probably sh*te).
Gormenghast - Thanks to Michael Parkinson we were spared the rest of Titus' life.
A long time since I read any, but EE 'Doc' Smith wrote some shocking Sci-Fi.
Anything heartbreaking and staggering by Dave Eggers. Dave Ego more like. Like one of those dreams where you're trying to run away from something but you can't move your legs. I got about 100 pages in but it still hadn't started.
Gormenghast 1 and 2 are OK but he'd lost it by 3. Quite literally. By a curious quirk of fate I am writing this in Maeve Gilmore's nephew's house; Maeve was Peake's wife. Peake also died in the nursing home owned by my host's father. 6 degrees of separation...
Another vote for Lord of the Rings here. Utter pants.
However I feel that it's a distant 2nd when compared to anything with Harry Potter in it. I read the 1st book (in German, just find out if I could) read the 2nd (also in German 'cos I was getting quite good at it) & gave up half way through the 3rd when I realised I really didn't give a flying fornication about any of the charecters or the alleged plot.
German Tony
"Moby Dick" Couldn't get past, "Call me Ishmael."
Only read one of the "Flowers in the Attic series." Utter, utter, utter waste of ink.
TRT may have a point.
Dhalgren by Samuel R Delany.
Starts with "to wound the autumnal city."
Ends with "Waiting here, away from the terrifying weaponry, out of
the halls of vapor and light, beyond holland into the
hills, I have come to"
Yup, after struggling through hundres of pages of dense prose and obscure imagery, the damn thing brings you right back to page 1! Hate it, hate it, hate it!
Will Self's Book of Dave - Utter garbage.
Anything by Dan Brown - Read one, you read them all. Again Garbage. All of them.
Sam Bourne's Last Testament - hopefully it will be.
Richard Dawkin's The God delusion. More like the writer delusion. And Richard, giving yourself a similar name to a disabled genius is just sick.
- skirmishmonkey.
Agreed on the 1981 Whizzer and Chips Annual.
I'm reading two books right now - Flashman's Lady, which is to offset the enormous smugness of The God Delusion.
I *like* Dawkins, but he makes it hard work.
Flashforward by Robert J. Sawyer. I have just had the misfortune of reading this utter pile of cow vomit. How on earth it got commissioned as a TV series is beyond me.
Worst book I ever read was "Five go on an Adventure" (by E. Blyton) when I was at school. Very disappointing. No drugs, no rape, murders or violence whatsoever. Seems to me it was not fit for a decent child to read.
As to the book you mention, "Tales of Mirth and Woe", I've never read that for three reasons,
1) It's too expensive to buy and the local library refuse to stock it for some reason, and
3). . .well, I'd rather not go into that at this point....
The Glass Books of the Dream Eaters - my goddess, I thought I was the only person to have suffered through that mess hoping to find something worth reading.
I also think Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke was utter rubbish.
Another vote for "Lord of the Rings." I got about a third into it before flinging it across the room and shouting, "Not another damn elf!"
"Catcher in the Rye." Little snot just needed a good beating to straighten him out.
"House of the Seven Gables." Great Odin, my Lit teacher was certifiably DERANGED for making a boy read such waddle.
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