The Sausage Sandwich Debate: Where do our national leaders stand?
Several months ago, in an effort to wipe BLASPHEMY from the face of the Earth, I asked the all-important question:
"When you have a sausage sandwich, do you have red sauce, brown sauce or no sauce at all?"
As we know, all right-thinking people take red sauce on their sausage sandwiches, while northerners and the kind of person who listens to Talk Sport might go for brown. There remains - alas - a small hard core who still commit the BLASPHEMIC CRIME of other sauces such as mustard or apple sauce, for which there is a special Hell populated by accordian players.
But now we address the wishy-washy, indecisive types that have No Sauce At All. What are they thinking of, I ask? And I am entirely sure that the answer is this : NOTHING.
On his recent trip to the United States of America, Prime Minister David Cameron was taken to a hot dog stand in New York by mayor Michael Bloomberg. While Bloomberg showed by the War on Terror is lost by selecting mustard, it is Cameron's choice that is most worrisome: NO SAUCE AT ALL.
Is this the kind of person who we want running our country? Do we want a NO SAUCE AT ALL with his finger hovering over the nuclear button? Do we want NO SAUCE AT ALL in charge of our economy? No, we do not. MAKE YOUR MIND UP, DAVE.
We asked the office of Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg where he stands on the whole sausage sandwich debate. "What sauce does Clegg take on his sausage sandwich?" we asked Whitehall mandarins. Alas, Nick has gone all Manchurian Candidate on us: "Whatever the Prime Minister says". DOOM.
The Labour Party, in the interests of balance, asked if there was a vegetarian option.