Phones giant British Telecom recently ran a poll asking TV viewers to vote on the plot twist for the next in their series of long-running, extraordinarily annoying "Adam and Jane" TV adverts, in which a floppy-haired youth sets up home with a neurotic, recently-divorced MILF.It was hardly surprising, then, that the British public decided that six-cats-mad woman should trap young Adam in Fathers 4 Justice Hell by falling pregnant at a time in his life when he'd rather be face down in the gutter after an all-night drinking binge with his equally immature mates.
We have, at great expense to our poor, dead informer, managed to get hold of a script for the next in the series. It's a shocker.
SCENE: Adam and Jane's flat. Interior, night. Room is VERY dimly lit. ADAM is sitting on sofa with his laptop on the coffee table alongside several empty cans of strong lager. You can't see the screen, but ADAM's face is lit by its glow. Sounds of energetic coitus are coming from the laptop speakers, under a "Fap fap fap" sound that gets increasingly vigorous as the scene progressesThe BAFTA's in the bag.
GRAMS: (Female voice) Oh yes! Yes! YES!
SFX: Fap fap fap fap
Camera slowly zooms in on ADAM's face, which has an expression of intense concentration
ADAM: (Breathlessly) Oh yeah, yeah... that's one hot MILF
SFX: Fap fap fappity fap fap
GRAMS: (Female voice) Give it to me! Give it to me! OooOOoOOOOOh! YEAH!
SFX: Fap fap ...pause... fap fap
ADAM's face contorts in orgasmic sexual ecstasy with a look that suggests he has been drinking vinegar
Lights in the room suddenly switch on. "Fap fap fap" SFX stops aruptly, sounds of sexual congress continue under, however. Cut to JANE. She is standing by the open living room door, with a shocked look on her face and finger on the light switch. She is wearing a nightdress and dressing gown, and is clearly heavily pregnant
JANE: (Exasperated) Oh, ADAM!
Cut to ADAM, annoyed look on his face
ADAM: What? WHAT? Well, I've got to get it somewhere, you dried up husk of a woman
Cut to End Card. Caption: "BT Broadband. Faster High Definition video downloads"
And now, the alternative ending...
ADAM: ...dried up husk of a womanYep. BAFTA, Golden Globes, the whole nine yards.
JANE: (sobbing) That's it, I'm going back to mother's
ADAM: You can tell her now if you like - she's on webcam
Cut to JANE, whose mouth is opening and shutting in a passable impression of a goldfish
VOICE FROM WEBCAM: (off) Cooo-ee! Jane! I'll just get me knickers on
Cut to End Card. Caption: "BT Broadband. Bringing families together"
23 comments:
GENIUS! :-D
Sahara Desert.
They've sort of been there already- with the "stag party" episode, it was pretty much implied that Adam and his shitty mates were watching porn on his laptop.
Many lols. :)
Al: I thought it was "2 Girls 1 Cup" they were watching
Still, I'd defrag her laptop with my hard drive
Ah the fragrant - and kit removing - Esther Hall. Phwoar!
Top post, sir! I shall petition the advert creators to take you on as their new scriptwriter. It'll show people how broadband is REALLY used by the average family.
May I take this opportunity for blatant self-promotion on your mighty organ, by linking this:
http://www.danceswithferrets.org/meeblog/?p=911
If there's enough of us like-minded individuals, perhaps we could band together and topple this "institution" once and for all? Facebook group ... "alternative" Youtube videos ... world domination ...
I cannot for the life of me think why the agencies haven't yet come knocking.
It was OK apart from them both being still alive at the end of it.
Haven't any of you fuckers thought about hand grenades, tertiary syphillis or psychopathic serial killers? FFS.
If it was 2 Girls One Cup, Adam would have been throwing his laptop at the wall after the calamitous viral infection he'd inadvertently downloaded, out of curiosity you understand, that snuck past his anti-virus had done for every working bit of its innards. Oops...
Must agree with Vicus Scurra. Perhaps the next set of commercials could be contest: who can kill/get rid of Adam and Jane the fastest?
POIDH.
Could be made better by the addition of ZOMBIES.
Oooh, that made me want to reset me rooter.
"I'd reset her router..."
Would that be a hard reset or a soft one?
I love it when you give us little glimpses into you personal life.
MYRNF
That Jane's always struck me as a bit of a ballbreaker. Mind you, seeing the sort of middle class fops Adam has as friends it's no wonder he goes running back to her every five minutes.
If they want a bizarre plot twist perhaps I may suggest Adam sitting at his laptop and he all of a sudden has connection problems.
He calls BT support and they actually get his internet connection problem fixed.
That would be so unexpected
The gift that keeps giving... laptop porn.
I actually did a snortle out loud at this one. Brillance.
Franko
Huge LOL at 'fap fap fappity fap'
@TRT Nice!
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