Phones giant British Telecom recently ran a poll asking TV viewers to vote on the plot twist for the next in their series of long-running, extraordinarily annoying "Adam and Jane" TV adverts, in which a floppy-haired youth sets up home with a neurotic, recently-divorced MILF.
It was hardly surprising, then, that the British public decided that six-cats-mad woman should trap young Adam in Fathers 4 Justice Hell by falling pregnant at a time in his life when he'd rather be face down in the gutter after an all-night drinking binge with his equally immature mates.
We have, at great expense to our poor, dead informer, managed to get hold of a script for the next in the series. It's a shocker.
SCENE: Adam and Jane's flat. Interior, night. Room is VERY dimly lit. ADAM is sitting on sofa with his laptop on the coffee table alongside several empty cans of strong lager. You can't see the screen, but ADAM's face is lit by its glow. Sounds of energetic coitus are coming from the laptop speakers, under a "Fap fap fap" sound that gets increasingly vigorous as the scene progressesThe BAFTA's in the bag.
GRAMS: (Female voice) Oh yes! Yes! YES!
SFX: Fap fap fap fap
Camera slowly zooms in on ADAM's face, which has an expression of intense concentration
ADAM: (Breathlessly) Oh yeah, yeah... that's one hot MILF
SFX: Fap fap fappity fap fap
GRAMS: (Female voice) Give it to me! Give it to me! OooOOoOOOOOh! YEAH!
SFX: Fap fap ...pause... fap fap
ADAM's face contorts in orgasmic sexual ecstasy with a look that suggests he has been drinking vinegar
Lights in the room suddenly switch on. "Fap fap fap" SFX stops aruptly, sounds of sexual congress continue under, however. Cut to JANE. She is standing by the open living room door, with a shocked look on her face and finger on the light switch. She is wearing a nightdress and dressing gown, and is clearly heavily pregnant
JANE: (Exasperated) Oh, ADAM!
Cut to ADAM, annoyed look on his face
ADAM: What? WHAT? Well, I've got to get it somewhere, you dried up husk of a woman
Cut to End Card. Caption: "BT Broadband. Faster High Definition video downloads"
And now, the alternative ending...
ADAM: ...dried up husk of a womanYep. BAFTA, Golden Globes, the whole nine yards.
JANE: (sobbing) That's it, I'm going back to mother's
ADAM: You can tell her now if you like - she's on webcam
Cut to JANE, whose mouth is opening and shutting in a passable impression of a goldfish
VOICE FROM WEBCAM: (off) Cooo-ee! Jane! I'll just get me knickers on
Cut to End Card. Caption: "BT Broadband. Bringing families together"