Tuesday, August 31, 2010

On recycling (jokes)

On recycling (jokes)

Bloody Hell - ANOTHER yellow sticker on my wheelie bin, clearly stuck there by somebody whose reward for not listening at school is to attach yellow stickers to people's bins.

Time to take my rage to the VERY TOP.

Dear Weymouth and Portland Borough Council

First, let me offer my congratulations and full support for your attempts to annexe West Dorset District Council - a long overdue move that will provide vital "living space" (as it were) for the good people of South Dorset. May I suggest that your first move would be to concrete over Dorchester and convert it into a park and ride for shoppers in Weymouth? This, of course, is the only language these curs understand, apart from some strange sort of manglewurzle based on Olde Englishe.

However, the main thrust of my letter is this: Last week I found myself in the possession of yet another yellow sticker on my food waste bin after your hard-working waste operatives found inappropriate contents inside as part of their none-too-pleasant duties.

I was, of course, bang to rights, as I had thoughtlessly neglected to remove the "Property of HM the Queen - DO NOT COOK AND EAT" tag from the dead swan, which I had accidentally-on-purpose mowed down in my Nissan Micra, before I cooked and ate it at 20 minutes per pound plus 20 minutes, gas mark six.

The question I have for your department is this: As my "yellow card" (My third this year! How many do I get before I get sent off?) appears to be a sticker of some sort, which may or may not contain traces of plastics and/or other non-biodegradable hydrocarbon chemical compounds which could fall under the European Commission Landfill Directive 1999/31/EC and/or the Directive on Integrated Pollution Prevention and Control 96/61/EC.

Should it go in my green bin for landfill, brown bin for food and card products or my paper recycling sack?

If I do not receive a reply, I will simply burn it along with all my empty milk cartons and used prophylactics, or shove it in a hedge.

Your pal,

Albert O'Balsam

PS I trust you've heard the "Where your wheelie bin?" gag already, so I'll give it a pass this time.

PPS Could you tell me what happens if my wheelie bin wears out? Is there some some of slightly larger bin in which I can dump it? I might tell you that a large bet rides on the outcome of this question. HINT: Say "YES"

I'm not holding my breath for an answer. Because I'll go blue and fall over.

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