Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Ten... no... Eleven things you didn't know about Ed Miliband

Ten... no... Eleven things you didn't know about Ed Miliband

Some time ago these pages carried ten awesome FACTS about awesome David Cameron. In the name of political balance, it is only right that we now publish a list of absolutely 100 per cent true FACTS about new Labour leader and international man of mystery Ed Miliband.

FACT: Forever in the shadow of his older brother David, the young Ed Miliband still wears his cast-off clothes. David also gets first dibs at the Labour Party Executive Breakfast Bar

FACT: Confused by Ed's endless repetition of the words "New Generation" during his the Labour Party conference speech? Don't be - he's a big fan of 90s indie band Suede and was merely trying to get as many song titles in as he could

FACT: However, Ed was unable to find a place for "We are the Pigs", which he hopes to use in his first speech on law and order - Next week, David Cameron's tackling Simply Red

FACT: Ed's main objection to the "Red Ed" nickname given to him by sections of the press is that he is, in fact, a Leeds United fan. He prefers to go by the nickname Ed-cellent Miliband, which hasn't caught on

: Much has been made of the alleged FACT that Ed has never worked outside of politics. Not true - he was once a three-star French Fry frier in the Holloway Road branch of McDonalds

FACT: Ed, aged 19, was once babysat by the author JK Rowling, and is the inspiration for Ron Weasley. That's why everybody thinks Ed's magic

FACT: Despite serving as MP for Doncaster North since 2005, he has never once visited the town. The nearest he came was a trip to Rotherham to ensure he got the crucial Chuckle Brothers vote for the Labour leadership election

FACT: In scientific terms, Ed and David Miliband are the equivalent to 0.002 of a Band. 0.002 of a Band is the metric equivalent of a "Drummer"

FACT: Despite his left-wing upbringing, thanks to the influence of his Marxist thinker father Ralph, Ed's hobby is brushing up on his Margaret Thatcher drag act, which is described as "truly frightening", "the best in the business" and "I'd do her"

FACT: Ed's ambition - likely to go unfulfilled - is to share a night in the Big Brother house with his political idol - step forward pop music's top neo-Stalinist polemicist Cheryl Cole!

Bonus FACT: Ed's elevation to Labour leader ends a years-long act of revenge upon his older brother, who once shat in his Lego. Things can get pretty tense at Labour Party Conferences...

No comments: