Stone the crows, how bad can things get in a man's life? So bad I had to write a letter to a well-known supermarket chain, complete with random CAPITALS and BOLD TEXT:
Dear the Co-op
I am writing to inform you of the unpleasant - yes UNpleasant experience I have suffered following the purchase of a 300g packet of Co-operative Rich Tea Biscuits. You know: The red packet with the comedy 'serving suggestion' picture of several so-called 'Rich Tea' biscuits sitting wanly on a plate in the middle distance.
Rich Tea? VERY POOR TEA, more like.
Within two days of purchasing your product, I should inform you that I have suffered the indignity of soggy Rich Tea biscuits snapping in half and falling into my otherwise excellent beverage with only the briefest of dunkings - thus completely wrecking my tea break - on no less than three occasions.
You have no idea how angry this makes me, but I'll tell you: A LOT. No man should be forced to live with the affront and humiliation of soggy biscuit defeat through the complete tectonic failure of what I wrongly thought were an acceptable Rich Tea purchase. On THREE occasions. I'm so cross I can't even go to the toilet properly.
Subsequent cuppas were made of tea, water, milk, HATE and FURY, and tasted much as you'd expect. For eg: TERRIBLE.
In order to get any pleasure from dunking my Rich Teas, each biscuit has to be individually wrapped in cling film first to ensure structural integrity before they are inserted into the tea. Hardly adding to the biscuit experience, I can tell you for nothing.
We have also experimented with dunking two biscuits at once, but we find the staples and glue get stuck in the poor, dead biscuit taster's throat and we're left with the all-too-common 'Dump another body round the back of the industrial estate' problem that has plagued serious biscuit testing down the years.
Clearly, there is a design fault which your highly-paid snack food boffins should address with all due urgency. May I suggest the EU Standard Baked Biscuits, Confectionery and Cake Stress Procedure (2003), which your product has quite clearly failed?
Sort it out, and make it (oh-ho!) snappy. And if you're planning on sending me free biscuits, make sure they're good ones, and not wafer-thin Rich Teas made out of structurally suspect biscuit stuff and the tormented souls of the dead.
Your pal
Albert O'Balsam
21 comments:
You can never be too rich or too thin.
Apparently, you can.
Not that either is an immediate danger to my good self.
Also FURST, BEYOTCHES!!!
I love you, and want to have your biscuits.
Ignore Vicus. He just thinks with his HobNob.
Don't mention the ginger nuts!
And leave that man's custard creams alone.
It seems as if we have stumbled upon Biscuit Pun Day. I shall not partake.
Serves you right for not going the extra mile and buying McVities instead of cheap "own brand" generic crap...
(Which are probably made by McVities out of all their B-quality biscuits which fail their stringent dunking QC)
It serves you right for buying biscuits that somebody has already sucked the choklit off.
Sod biscuit puns.
Debster makes an excellent point. What were you thinking??
HAHAHAHAHA. You said soggy biscuit! Great game.
Skirmishmonkey.
Great game - unless you lose
You appear to be having quite a lot of difficulty with your snacking foods this week, Mr. Duck.
Perhaps this is a message from the FSM (sauce be upon him) that you need to cut back on the snackies?
Shame - Coop digestives and Jaffa cakes are far better than the McVittes crap.
Scary! This book? http://www.hawkin.com/20670-13138/how-to-poo-at-work/?ECMP=hb0055
You missed an opportunity.
Sod the Rich Tea - go for a Tunnocks Caramel Log.
Biscuity goodness every time and so thick they won't break into your tea, 'cos the caramel holds it together.
Caramel - yuck.
Sounds like someone needs more Tim Tams
LOLs.
I can't imagine anything other than the Caramel Log being a more apt official snack for this column. Sponsorship and associated media whorage are surely just around the corner
I'll tell you what the design fault with the Co-op biscuits is.
It's that big fat half-wit that stacks the shelves. Sorry, she doesn't so much stack the shelves as throws the biscuits onto the shelf, and then at the checkout another overweight girl throws the biscuits down first, then scans your bottles of whisky, gin and wine and throws them at the biscuits just to make sure they are broken, or at least cracked!
No, don't blame the non-smiling, constantly sniffing, sullen checkout operaters. Blame the Co-op for not having them wrapped in bullet-proof packets (the biscuits I mean, not the checkout girls).
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