On Dark Matter

On Dark Matter

There's a problem that's been puzzling physicists all over the world for some time now - where the bloody hell is everything? I think I've cracked it, and thought it best to write to the authority on the subject, toot sweet.

Dear Stephen Hawking

Congratulations on your recent world title in the X Games. You certainly kept your l33t Street Luge sk1llz totally under wraps, dude. I mean - who knew?

I note with some interest your theories on quantum physics, and offer you my expertise on the matter (geddit?).

I read recently that you and your esteemed colleagues in the field of theoretical physics have only managed to account for some 20 per cent of mass in the known universe, with the other 80 per cent comprising a theoretical - and, as yet, unobserved - substance known as "Dark Matter".

Steve - if I can call you that - I put it to you that you and your pals in the field of SCIENCE are looking in the wrong place.

I think you will find that all of this missing mass can be quite easily observed on the backside of any given punter coming out of a Lancashire pie shop.

For your proof, you can send that Professor Brian Cox along to check the second he comes back from his latest beano prancing about on glaciers. He's northern knows a thing or two about pie.

Incidentally, if we apply Einstein's relativity equations to this entirely new Pie Shop Theory of Universal Dynamics, it will also explain why Barnsley is still stuck in the 1970s.

Your pal,


Professor* Albert O'Balsam

* Doctor of Love-ology at the University of Luuuurve

That Nobel Prize is as good as in the bag.