SLIMMING WORLD AGAINST THE WORLD

The Fragrant Mrs Duck, I am sorry to say, has joined a cult.

A dreadful cult that has inveigled its way into her every waking thought, spreading conflict and discord throughout our household.

There are preachy leaflets everywhere. And horrible emotional blackmail.

She's joined Slimming World.

Not that (creepy comment alert) she actually needs to. But she arrived home one afternoon with a carrier bag bearing the words "Slimming World - Because You're ENORMOUS AWESOME!" and our world has changed forever.

And like any good cult, they come with their own propaganda. In this case, a magazine which is - and I quote Rowan Atkinson on exactly the same subject - "Not a million miles away from what Adolf Hitler was trying to do."

There is hope for us, however. The diet industry has more splits and schisms than the People's Front of Judaea, which means that Mrs Duck spends more time plotting lightning-quick strikes and drive-by shootings on rival groups than she does threatening us with leaflets and death by cholesterol.

"Why didn't you go to Weightwatchers?" I ask.

"Splitters," she replies, lightning quick and not a little venom on her tongue.

...And, polishing her Slimming World-branded AK47, "They'd better - oh-ho! - WATCH their backs!"

...And the trail of cream cakes leading to a bear trap outside the Rosemary Conley Diet and Fitness Club is something of which she is immensely proud.

We - the poor down-trodden, overweight and hideously unfit members of the household - have started our own movement: People Against Slimming World Propaganda. Sadly, we've already schismed into 'People for Pie', 'Campaign for Cadbury's Dairy Milk' and 'Small Dogs Demand Cheeses, Beefs and Porks'.

Doom awaits.