Dear Vladimir PutinCongratulations on having the hardest official police militia in the world. You certainly know how to deal with pesky human rights campaigners and tree-hugging lefties that keep turning up on the mean streets of Moscow dressed as wheelie bins.
We all know you're hard as nails, and happily project this tough guy image through your OMON Black Berets. And damn, as fans of needless violence, we're impressed.We've seen the photos of you riding bare-chested and lightly-oiled through the Russian Steppe, wrestling with Siberian Tigers, sweeping the enemies of the Motherland before you and revelling in the lamentation of their womenfolk. You don't get that from David Cameron, who is, frankly, a bit of a wet and a weed who'd soil his pants if faced with a rampaging bear driven to the point of insanity by the taste of human flesh.
But while the bravery and blood-curdling merciless violence of your OMON (Cyrillic: OMOH) troops in the name of law, order and top LULZ, is beyond question, I might draw your attention to the following:
Example One: DEAD HARD
Example Two, the same image with the simple introduction of Photoshop's 'Flip 180°' tool: NICE BOYS
I expect you're horrified to see what we in the West would call a welcome touch diversity in your armed forces. May I suggest - if you've got a problem with this - renaming your lads the "Federal United Constabulary Kicking Out Foreign Fighters"? I think you'll agree that it has a nice ring, and tells these Western European soft boys where to get off without compromising your rock-hard manliness.
Be lucky.
Your pal,
Albert O'Balsam
15 comments:
LOLs. True LOLs.
Because in Russia, Scaryduck reads YOUR blog.
Vladimir Putin. The bastard love-child of Vlad the Impaler and Ras Putin, the lover of the Russian Queen.
Oh those Russians.
...and not Vlad Nabokov, writer of dodgy novels
Being a bit dyslexic at times, I thought this the first time I saw that photo. Glad to know it's not just me...
LOL
Is it me or do VP's eyes really look 'dead' in all his pictures?
VP - your typical Bond movie villain.
Conversation with a Russian student a couple of years ago, the subject turned to homosexuality & he said,
"No, in Russia we don't like the gays...lesbians are okay though."
Dead as doornails, his eyes are. DED TO DETH.
I have just received an email:
"Hello. My name is Ivan and I am in possession of 1oo million Rubles. As they are left over from the Glorious Regime I do not have need of them. However in order to liberate them from the Bank of Lower Moldavia, I must ask for your assistance. Please provide me with (a) your bank account information, (b) the contact of a person or persons able to provide myself and approximately 300 young ladies of indeterminate middle-European descent with immigration Visas (specify: entertainer for occupation), and (c) the heads of Mr. Scaryduck and Mr. O'Balsam of Weymouth-upon-Kopeks, and I shall be pleased to effect the transfer of funds forthwithly."
I am not sure how to respond. The Visas might be tricky. What do you think?
Hi Scary. Funny as ever. I've put you a ling on my new blog at http://sellmybooks.wordpress.com/
Or maybe I'd better put you a link on as I think a ling is some sort of fish.
Great to hear from you Terry - hope you're well.
And that's the most honest address for a website I've ever seen.
Yes, I think it's a fish as well.
Putin: Ah, Mr Duck, we meet at last. You know, I'd like to think we have so much in common, you and I. But that would be untrue. Tell me, do you think a male Siberian mad-ass bear can mate with a human male and produce a super hairy all-fighting blogger cub? Nor do I, frankly, but my Soviet upbringing has taught me to disregard the lessons if history in favour of random experiments. Step this way, please, and meet Agent Bojo.
Bojo: Grafflsnraq.
Post a Comment