A lavishly-illustrated open letter to Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin
Dear Vladimir Putin
Congratulations on having the hardest official police militia in the world. You certainly know how to deal with pesky human rights campaigners and tree-hugging lefties that keep turning up on the mean streets of Moscow dressed as wheelie bins.
We all know you're hard as nails, and happily project this tough guy image through your OMON Black Berets. And damn, as fans of needless violence, we're impressed.
We've seen the photos of you riding bare-chested and lightly-oiled through the Russian Steppe, wrestling with Siberian Tigers, sweeping the enemies of the Motherland before you and revelling in the lamentation of their womenfolk. You don't get that from David Cameron, who is, frankly, a bit of a wet and a weed who'd soil his pants if faced with a rampaging bear driven to the point of insanity by the taste of human flesh.
But while the bravery and blood-curdling merciless violence of your OMON (Cyrillic: OMOH) troops in the name of law, order and top LULZ, is beyond question, I might draw your attention to the following:
Example One: DEAD HARD
Example Two, the same image with the simple introduction of Photoshop's 'Flip 180°' tool: NICE BOYS*
I expect you're horrified to see what we in the West would call a welcome touch diversity in your armed forces.
May I suggest - if you've got a problem with this - renaming your lads the "Federal United Constabulary Kicking Out Foreign Fighters"? I think you'll agree that it has a nice ring, and tells these Western European soft boys where to get off without compromising your rock-hard manliness.
* As I've already had one humourless complaint over the use of this obsolete 70s term: Ever heard of satire?