CRICKET

CRICKET

It's official.

Australia is shit at cricket and WE RULE.

After the complete twatting handed out to the Antipodean menace by our brave Barmy Army in the recent Ashes series, we are now entitled - as the best team in the universe - to set the rules for this most graceful of sports.

So, without any messing about, the following Rules of Cricket will now be strictly enforced on any player who dares to take to the pitch in possession of an Australian accent:

- Shouting "IN" every time you do a run

- One-bounce-one-hand counts as a legitimate catch

- Underarm bowling only

- In honour of the 2010/11 series 'Silly Point' to be renamed 'Sad and Lonely Loser Point'

- English players to get first pick of the protective boxes. Australian players to share the one remaining, suspiciously dented and sickeningly stained protective

- Until they can be trusted with the grown-up equipment once again, all Australian cricket must be played using sets purchased from sea-side tat shops, and a tennis ball

- Ricky Ponting to remain Australian captain, forever and the convicts' national anthem to change from "Advance Australia Fair" to a medley comprising "Advance Australia Rubbish" and 10cc's "Dreadlock Holiday". Played on a Stylophone. By Rolf Harris, and his funnier brother, ROFL Harris

- The official title of the sport will have the following words added: "Australia" "is" "shit" "at"

Look, Australia. Just do things you're good at: Chocolate biscuits.