Wednesday, January 26, 2011



Pop stars need to be told that their lyrics are shit.

Write them letters. Write them letters today.

Dear Ultravox

I note from your not-quite-number-one-hit Vienna that you sing (repeatedly) "This means nothing to me"

This being the case, why the hell did you write a song about it? We, as loyal fans, want to hear songs about things that actually mean something to you, for example women with huge bosoms.

"This means nothing to me, my arse"

Your pal, etc

Dear Heaven 17

On listening to your 1983 song "Come Live With Me", I noted with some interest that the opening lyric is "I was thirty-seven, you were seventeen".

Taking Wikipedia as gospel, it appears that you were actually no more than 25 years old when you committed those particular words to vinyl. This means - with a bit of simple maths - that the object of your desire, would, in fact be five-years-old. By anybody's standards that's (oh-ho!) a bit of a Luxury Gap.

I am disgust.

You pal, etc

Dear Cornershop

Congratulations on your superb number one hit "Brimful of Asha"! Unfortunately, I must take issue with your lyric "Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow."

Upon mentioning this to my charming wife, she slapped me round the face for even suggesting that I nestle up between her cleavage, finishing with an eye-watering parting shot, viz: right foot to the nadgers.

Where, I ask, do I send the invoice?

Your pal, etc

Dear Depeche Mode,

Big fan. However, I note from one of your songs that you "don't want to start any blasphemous rumours, but I think that God's got a sick sense of humour."

I think you're getting Him mixed up with Frankie Boyle. Easy mistake to make, because he's a shit-cake as well.

Your pal, etc

Dear Gary Numan,

Good grief - where do we start?

Ignoring the fact that "Cars" is about the personal bubble and relative solitude whilst driving on a crowded road experienced by driving on one's own, we really must take issue with the line "Here in my car, I feel safest of all."

According to government statistics, over 6,000 people died on Great Britain's roads in 1979, the year this song was written. Hardly what one would call safe, especially with pop stars crashing their planes all over the place.

We'd be obliged if you'd also remove the line "Here in my car, I can only receive". All we can say on the matter is that you're going to the wrong dogging sites, bloke*.

Get a grip, man.

Your pal, etc

* LEGAL DISCLAIMER: We'd like to point out that we are in no way suggesting that Gary Numan is into dogging.

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