"Welcome to NatLloydsMidWest online banking.
"Please enter your user name, password and the fifth, third and sixth characters of your security number to access your accounts.
"Forgotten your user name? Click here to contact our Customer Support team.
"Forgotten your password and/or your security number? Click here for password reset.
"Forgotten your user name, password and security number? You are a disgrace to humanity, my friend. Please enter your bank card number, expiry date and three-figure security code into our secure website located in the Seychelles, and await further instructions which we'll ...err... send to you by post. Yes. By post. From the Seychelles. Which may take several days. And after that, we'll forget this little conversation ever took place.
"Thank you for banking with NatLloydsMidWest"