Friday, February 01, 2013

How to smuggle a wild animal into the country

You know how it goes. One thing leads to another, and before you know it, you're at customs control in Calais with a lion in the passenger seat of your car. What, at first glance, may appear to be a bizarre set of circumstances is more common than you think, so take heed

"We are a travelling theatrical troupe performing the Wizard of Oz. You'll find a scarecrow, a tin man and a couple of flying monkeys in the minibus behind"

"Straighten your shawl, Aunt Hilda, you're scaring the nice man"

"How dare you! This is legendary footballer Carlos Valderrama and he NEVER cuts his hair. Nor talks to petty officials. Nor carries a valid passport"

"We are noted sexual deviants. Please, put on this antelope costume and apply this lubricant"

"Smile! You're on Candid Camera!"*

"Haven't you got anything better to do, like arresting bear smugglers?"**

"Oh sweet Jesus, I buy an animal skin rug and it goes zombie on me. Third time this week"

Those of you attempting to smuggle a cougar into the country may wish to try for some Cougar/MILF misdirection. Your mileage may very, as might your prison term.

* This one might conceivably have worked in 1968, and if all concerned had the IQ of a goldfish

** See also: "Haven't you got anything better to do, like arresting melon smugglers?", melon smuggling being particularly rife through the Channel Tunnel***

*** As are very large breasts


TRT said...

But... will the Value Brand Dog Poo Bags (39p for about a million) stand up to the rigours of holding lion poo? Or do you need to switch to a premium brand?

Alistair Coleman said...